You can't buy shit with cool points.

My anaconda is way less discerning than Sir Mix-A-Lot's.

I hate running. Does that make me racist?

RT > Stars There, I said it.

I'm the @myidisadick of drinking wine and smoking a pipe on my front porch while its raining. This joke format is stupid.

My dick already has the IPhone 5, losers.

Her: "If you have to explain a joke, it probably wasn't that funny." Me: "OR, your audience is full of dipshits.

Your kid is 4. You are not "having a hard time losing the baby weight." You are "fat."

I hope you're beautiful on the inside, 'cause your outside is busted as shit.

I'm on this awesome "Coffee and Cigarettes" diet. I'm not healthy, but at least I'm not fat.

I wonder what Chik-Fil-A's cross-dressing cow has to say about all this.

If I were a valet, I'd fart in the really nice cars right before I brought them back. I am the 99%!

My dick is so big, Vince McMahon is putting it in a 3-way cage match against The Undertaker and Triple H.

The last heavy petting sesh I had was with my best friend's cat... She's a terrible kisser.

@jamesgunn #WhenISeeAnRomneyBumpersticker

My "glass half full" contains bourbon.

Mondayne

Tomorrow's gonna be a coffee and Gatorade kinda morning.

I could do without your smugness.

Comma, splice.