Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard

People hate Facebook AFTER they've used it. People hate Twitter BEFORE they've used it.

I witnessed a car accident and in my police report I stated that "it was awesome!"

Him: "I love you."
Her: "Why?"
 - girls turning a pleasant situation into an annoying one.

Drinkers have "5 o'clock somewhere," 4:20 is for smoking weed, but crack heads don't seem to follow any sort of set schedule at all.

If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem."

Any girl who says she's not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

There should be a racial slur for self-righteous white people who're offended by everything.

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

It's not actually that fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

I try not to think of cauliflower as a vegetable. I think of it more as really dissapointing popcorn.

Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

I give girls my number on my actual bank statements just so they don't expect much on the first date.

For Lent I'm just giving up.

History of Britain according to the opening ceremonies:
1.They lived in a shire
2.Industrial revolution
3.Then everyone did a lot of drugs

I will pretty much star any tweet that has to do with Sarah Jessica Parker having a horse face.