Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."

I witnessed a car accident and in my police report I stated that "it was awesome!"

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.

People hate Facebook AFTER they've used it. People hate Twitter BEFORE they've used it.

Drinkers have "5 o'clock somewhere," 4:20 is for smoking weed, but crack heads don't seem to follow any sort of set schedule at all.

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.

Any girl who says she's not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

There should be a racial slur for self-righteous white people who're offended by everything.

When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

I try not to think of cauliflower as a vegetable. I think of it more as really dissapointing popcorn.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard

I give girls my number on my actual bank statements just so they don't expect much on the first date.

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

I just hit 2,000 followers. I feel like Oprah right now! Not because I feel popular, but because I just ate a whole cake!

I will pretty much star any tweet that has to do with Sarah Jessica Parker having a horse face.

I overheard two girls in the mall deciding what to be for halloween, but you and I both know they're going as sluts.

Chivalry died when guys figured out you can walk around a puddle instead of throwing your jacket over it.

What I lack in self-esteem I make up for in alcoholism.

Some of the 10 commandments should be a little more relaxed, like "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife... anymore than he has to."

I bet if Ke$ha made an unplugged album it would sound like swinging cats around inside of a pillowcase.