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There's nothing more depressing than audibly saying "1 ticket for Harry Potter, please" as a grown up adult person.
My mom just told me that she wishes I was never born. Which is stupid because everyone knows that you wish for more wishes. Fucking amateur.
I want to make a video game called 'Moral Kombat' where you just get into fistfights about abortion.
I'm usually only interested in girls that don't like me because then it's like "Hey, we have so much in common!"
I only put on pants so I could get my hair cut and buy Toaster Strudel, in case any of you only date the most eligible of bachelors.
I helped an old lady move today. Her belongings not her limbs. That would have been weird and inappropriate.
I just used the wrong form of "you're" and now I have to be chemically castrated. Oh grammar, you cold mistress.
Lately I've been saying "in my own defense" and then putting myself down. I know I'm using that wrong but it just feels so right.
"I'm back!" - Me, just now, to the internet. Which looks a lot like a really sad man alone in his room getting a high-five from sadness.
My friends have roped me into a fantasy football league. How do I draft an interest in sports?
I just won like 4 games of 'Clue' in a row in case any of you need a private investigator or anything.
I just made myself a friendship bracelet. Best friends forever! Right, self?
I can usually gauge within 10 seconds of meeting a person if they're my father. He, uh, he has a very distinctive jaw line.
If the new Batman movie doesn't have the line "You're the Bane of my existence" then Christopher Nolan can go fuck himself.
In the trailer for 'The Change-up' Jason Bateman says "what's the worst that could happen". Wait until he finds out he's in 'The Change-up'.
if man was created in god's image I bet god looks pretty fucking cool smoking a cigarette
Not a drug mule.
