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  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.

    • 1,164
    • FAVS
    Soenglemissworld9999hannahdelagiMars_Bar_brocketxyzLilith_NinPonyloperetuj
    • 608
    • RETWEETS
    vernykinzAnsleyRaeDollmissworld9999CdnMomOf4brocketxyz_zazzles_Gordonovitchmontchris
    EliHansenMusicBlondiethegoodbriangaarPeachCoffinilovepie84inturnaround
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    "Oh he died, eh?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. Heart attack?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. Poutine?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. I'm sorry."
    "Ya."
    - CSI: Canada

    • 356
    • FAVS
    kay_mcneely_coreyddavisaKhalifa101DrDweezilJuliaWDHarrisonKWQuacksthenamesmikeG13spencer
    • 465
    • RETWEETS
    aKhalifa101FunniesForMethenamesmikeGwife3kidsnodogsbrittneyy_raeegioriii3myk5Jn1fer
    aKhalifa101
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Racism is never funny. Especially when your large black coworker is standing behind you forcing you to type this after reading your tweets.

    • 439
    • FAVS
    jane_botDrDweezilnocturnallymeBurds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydeamp713
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    wife3kidsnodogs3myk5TateRyannTlaxBoy05NoOneImpt________shayf_EldemanuWildeThingy
    Matt_Tice________
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Hold up - my parents told me Kurt Cobain went to a farm in the country...

    • 379
    • FAVS
    Paulmay018jane_botAshlynnKleinunderallsRockchilldarmyantstudiosdoubleapex111AineAnisa
    • 127
    • RETWEETS
    raeganthurlowRockchilldarmyantstudios_tatersaladdoubleapex111AineAnisaYoungSweaterTangltweets
    WildeThingySpiritofMoses
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Your mom has a bush library

    • 284
    • FAVS
    DrDweezil13spencerBurds_1kDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydeReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgE
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    irrationalwolfTlaxBoy05johnnyh805Bownuggetshannmartallforandrea______UGANDANCRAZYFavstar250
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My 45-yr old coworker's skirt is so short, I think I'll be able to watch menopause happen in real time.

    • 296
    • FAVS
    jane_botBurds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydewife3kidsnodogsReilly_CyrusJasonBerlin
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    EliHansenMusic3myk5DeronH____________EdJohnson2shayf_HeyYouGuy31thistletat13itskaitebee
    Buck4it__________
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    WANNA SEE A HUGE BATMAN SPOILER? RT @azazyl: @mypolishface http://t.co/cdNtaQqg #TheDarkKnightRises

    • 74
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilDanKCharnleyBurds_1HelmdawgEallforandrea______DiscourtOrbanyadhuff001
    • 249
    • RETWEETS
    UGANDANCRAZYdhuff001calebmicahJRC_LOVES_JDBflyingpancakezj_r_qitsTOLUCoelacthulhu
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I don't understand foreigners who pay attention to American politics. I don't even think I could name more than three of Canada's Kings.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    ubiquitous2020AsphaltWolfMomoVonTriteshadoanbjDrDweezilRichBeingRichMsEffieLouJuliaWDHarrison
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    nocturnallymeMomoVonTriteDrDweezilJuliaWDHarrisonwife3kidsnodogsReilly_CyrusDeronH____________seanx3
    DrDweezilQu4rtKn33
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    If my vagina could talk, it'd say "mmfhdtethmp." We all know how hard it is to talk with fingers in your mouth.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    kittenface17JuliaWDHarrisonEliHansenMusicwife3kidsnodogsShoupShikReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinBrookiebuuurr
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    Reilly_CyruspandonenchevgibbetKyleQuinn10marta2536________WoodEE_D69________FireTechEarlblondebombs
    shayf_
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My husband brags to his friends about how great I am at giving head. It must be hard for them to feign surprise.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilmo_vitalunaChireBaileynocturnallymeBurds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGwife3kidsnodogs
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    ChireBailey3myk5SyncophantMustBeGrantHalbeerzMsThundershowJamesJJacksonJrFapnado__________
    venomjunkie2chicosoquete
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    The streets have a name, Bono. They're all named. Stop driving at night with your sunglasses on. We've been over this.

    • 149
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlincswizzgoddardAuburn83PippersheenjoelebeanshadoanbjDrDweezilChireBailey
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    Auburn83PippersheenjoelebeanDrDweezilRichBeingRichGingerSlimJuliaWDHarrisonI_Am_Jeffrey
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I made my own punch tonight. The ingredients were vodka and this bitch I hate.

    • 198
    • FAVS
    stace2504EliHansenMusickDuncanGwife3kidsnodogsJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    EliHansenMusic3myk5DeronH____________shayf_LoverOfComics94ChireBaileydonnogsallforandrea______
    SyncophantChireBailey
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I adopted a black cat from the pound. My husband wants to name him Toby, but I like his original name, Kunta Kitty.

    • 160
    • FAVS
    JuliaWDHarrisonnocturnallymeEliHansenMusicJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5shayf_
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    3myk5Dannivoir1KingSaidAdriaancolonwolfstar20allforandrea______UGANDANCRAZYredneckwithagun
    CARBAJALmednnbrlw
  • MyPolishFace
     
    Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Not having empathy makes you sound like a cunt. RT @amandabynes: not having hair makes me feel like a cancer patient

    • 146
    • FAVS
    xtrilhoDanKCharnleyBurds_1kDuncanGReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgESyncophant
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    hannmartLiterallyJershanozmmzarrynziallDreamingHealthy__MrsChristinaRMelissadelorme9ciaraaparicio
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Wal-Mart is the only place you can find someone whose weight exceeds their credit score.

    • 158
    • FAVS
    DrDweezilBurds_1wife3kidsnodogs_L322________Reilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    Reilly_Cyrusfukjew3myk5UGANDANCRAZYxeyednpainless____favstar1000favsedheenan__________farleftcoast
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    "It's not rhinocerYOU, Bob. It's rhinocerUS." -- rhinoceros marital dispute

    • 106
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinDrDweezilAdmiralCappyStevenC66BrunsWayneStuChambersElizabethDranBrewDrown
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    DrDweezilandyzoricmichbermjilldawgJonathanKochan1StevenEYatesSabalomGantoshmj
    DrDweezil
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I wonder how many marriages the "keep me logged in" checkbox has ruined.

    • 131
    • FAVS
    KevyMetalWorldDrDweezil13spencerBurds_1ShaeAaronBrecAmendedChireBaileykDuncanG
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    DrDweezilBrecAmendedChireBaileyPurpleSexBobombkDuncanGUGANDANCRAZYfavstar1000favsVocabuLarry
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My husband and I tried to have sex, but in this heat separating his penis from his balls is like unwrapping a Fruit Roll-Up.

    • 135
    • FAVS
    DefUSKAmber_dudsnocturnallyme13spencerChireBaileyEliHansenMusicReilly_CyrusJasonBerlin
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    nocturnallyme3myk5shvefrobo_junkieUGANDANCRAZYredneckwithagunNikkiBby90netdog713
    DrThanatosxeyednpainless____
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Hey, you, with the camel toe - your vagina's on crooked.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    nocturnallymeChireBaileyJasonBerlinHelmdawgEaikkia2001DanKCharnley3myk5ashgrash
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    EdJohnson2hannmartUGANDANCRAZYTheNordicHammerobi_ian_kenobiAdamUrbane________TheSnideOnekeefers323
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Wait guys I got a good one:

    Ben Affleck as Batman?? Looks like someone lost a DARE with the DEVIL !!

    Hahahaha *highfivestheworld*

    • 82
    • FAVS
    AmandaD_SassyJasonBerlinDrDweezilChireBaileyHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5ashgrash
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    AmandaD_Sassy3myk5SyncophantSzandoHrufi__24asaadhutchinsonAhmetSaelarChrisApellaniz
@MyPolishFace

@MyPolishFace

I'm the librarian you never had. I've been called a prettier Dr. Ruth. I contributed to @impersonals once. Feel free to star my @ replies.