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When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.
Racism is never funny. Especially when your large black coworker is standing behind you forcing you to type this after reading your tweets.
Hold up - my parents told me Kurt Cobain went to a farm in the country...
Your mom has a bush library
My 45-yr old coworker's skirt is so short, I think I'll be able to watch menopause happen in real time.
I don't understand foreigners who pay attention to American politics. I don't even think I could name more than three of Canada's Kings.
My husband brags to his friends about how great I am at giving head. It must be hard for them to feign surprise.
I made my own punch tonight. The ingredients were vodka and this bitch I hate.
If my vagina could talk, it'd say "mmfhdtethmp." We all know how hard it is to talk with fingers in your mouth.
I adopted a black cat from the pound. My husband wants to name him Toby, but I like his original name, Kunta Kitty.
Wal-Mart is the only place you can find someone whose weight exceeds their credit score.
I wonder how many marriages the "keep me logged in" checkbox has ruined.
Hey, you, with the camel toe - your vagina's on crooked.
Thanks to Gloria Estefan, I made my dad check my closet every night for the rhythm.
"It's Summer's EVE, not Summer's STEVE!" - some homophobic douche
My husband and I tried to have sex, but in this heat separating his penis from his balls is like unwrapping a Fruit Roll-Up.
Walmart: home of the tattooed cankle.
I was unfriended by a coworker on facebook. She said hi to me this morning, and what I did (this is so cute) was push her out the window
My coworker brought her screaming baby to the office. I went to the bathroom, looked down at my bloody tampon, and whispered "thank you."
I'm the librarian you never had. I contributed to @impersonals once. Feel free to star my @ replies.