When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Racism is never funny. Especially when your large black coworker is standing behind you forcing you to type this after reading your tweets.

Hold up - my parents told me Kurt Cobain went to a farm in the country...

Your mom has a bush library

WANNA SEE A HUGE BATMAN SPOILER? RT @azazyl: @mypolishface http://t.co/cdNtaQqg #TheDarkKnightRises

My 45-yr old coworker's skirt is so short, I think I'll be able to watch menopause happen in real time.

I don't understand foreigners who pay attention to American politics. I don't even think I could name more than three of Canada's Kings.

My husband brags to his friends about how great I am at giving head. It must be hard for them to feign surprise.

I made my own punch tonight. The ingredients were vodka and this bitch I hate.

If my vagina could talk, it'd say "mmfhdtethmp." We all know how hard it is to talk with fingers in your mouth.

I adopted a black cat from the pound. My husband wants to name him Toby, but I like his original name, Kunta Kitty.

Wal-Mart is the only place you can find someone whose weight exceeds their credit score.

I wonder how many marriages the "keep me logged in" checkbox has ruined.

Hey, you, with the camel toe - your vagina's on crooked.

Thanks to Gloria Estefan, I made my dad check my closet every night for the rhythm.

"It's Summer's EVE, not Summer's STEVE!" - some homophobic douche

My husband and I tried to have sex, but in this heat separating his penis from his balls is like unwrapping a Fruit Roll-Up.

Walmart: home of the tattooed cankle.

I was unfriended by a coworker on facebook. She said hi to me this morning, and what I did (this is so cute) was push her out the window

My coworker brought her screaming baby to the office. I went to the bathroom, looked down at my bloody tampon, and whispered "thank you."