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  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.

    • 971
    • FAVS
    thenamesmikeGSmileyinBC_TAPaperWashJoshuaFlailjustKilie420luckTStubinskiHey_Tess
    • 557
    • RETWEETS
    JoshuaFlailTStubinskiHey_Tesswishmelisa1_NakedSnake_StarksWeekEliHansenMusicLetdownLizzie
    EliHansenMusicBlondiethegoodbriangaarPeachCoffinilovepie84inturnaround
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    "Oh he died, eh?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. Heart attack?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. Poutine?"
    "Ya."
    "Oh, geez. I'm sorry."
    "Ya."
    - CSI: Canada

    • 350
    • FAVS
    KWQuacksthenamesmikeG13spencerHumorParasiteCathybreeseBurds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanG
    • 464
    • RETWEETS
    thenamesmikeGwife3kidsnodogsbrittneyy_raeegioriii3myk5Jn1ferTlaxBoy05NoOneImpt________
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Racism is never funny. Especially when your large black coworker is standing behind you forcing you to type this after reading your tweets.

    • 436
    • FAVS
    Burds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydeamp713DaveMBPReilly_CyrusJasonBerlin
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    wife3kidsnodogs3myk5TateRyannTlaxBoy05NoOneImpt________shayf_EldemanuWildeThingy
    Matt_Tice________
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Hold up - my parents told me Kurt Cobain went to a farm in the country...

    • 354
    • FAVS
    thenamesmikeGralph0worldRoyalDaytonhotforamishcaseyleeannebooiamsunshine78gratefuldad420Currahee_AJB
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    MClarke88YouLike_CookieskendraukeUsedToTheSpin13spencerfavstar_historyEliHansenMusic3myk5
    WildeThingySpiritofMoses
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Your mom has a bush library

    • 283
    • FAVS
    13spencerBurds_1kDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydeReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgE3myk5
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    irrationalwolfTlaxBoy05johnnyh805BownuggetshannmartallforandreaUgandanCrazyFavstar250
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My 45-yr old coworker's skirt is so short, I think I'll be able to watch menopause happen in real time.

    • 295
    • FAVS
    Burds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGMrsJekyllsHydewife3kidsnodogsReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgE
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    EliHansenMusic3myk5DeronH____________EdJohnson2shayf_HeyYouGuy31thistletat13itskaitebee
    Buck4it__________
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    WANNA SEE A HUGE BATMAN SPOILER? RT @azazyl: @mypolishface http://t.co/cdNtaQqg #TheDarkKnightRises

    • 73
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyBurds_1HelmdawgEallforandreaDiscourtOrbanyadhuff00113spencer
    • 249
    • RETWEETS
    UgandanCrazydhuff001calebmicahJRC_LOVES_JDBflyingpancakezj_r_qitsTOLUCoelacthulhu
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I don't understand foreigners who pay attention to American politics. I don't even think I could name more than three of Canada's Kings.

    • 197
    • FAVS
    EliHansenMusickDuncanGJamila203Reilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    wife3kidsnodogsReilly_CyrusDeronH____________seanx3NoOneImpt________shayf_boring_egg_headKarann_Kapoor
    Qu4rtKn33
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    If my vagina could talk, it'd say "mmfhdtethmp." We all know how hard it is to talk with fingers in your mouth.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    EliHansenMusicwife3kidsnodogsShoupShikReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinBrookiebuuurrmtnbikerdenisa_lil_asian
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    Reilly_CyruspandonenchevgibbetKyleQuinn10marta2536________WoodEE_D69________FireTechEarlblondebombs
    shayf_
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My husband brags to his friends about how great I am at giving head. It must be hard for them to feign surprise.

    • 220
    • FAVS
    Burds_1EliHansenMusickDuncanGwife3kidsnodogsJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    3myk5SyncophantMrGrant_HalbeerzMsThundershowJamesJJacksonJrFapnado__________allforandrea
    venomjunkie2chicosoquete
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I made my own punch tonight. The ingredients were vodka and this bitch I hate.

    • 198
    • FAVS
    stace2504EliHansenMusickDuncanGwife3kidsnodogsJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    EliHansenMusic3myk5DeronH____________shayf_LoverOfComics94ChireBaileydonnogsallforandrea
    SyncophantChireBailey
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    The streets have a name, Bono. They're all named. Stop driving at night with your sunglasses on. We've been over this.

    • 139
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnley13spencerBurds_1Serrv0ManginaMcCoolfriday13degreesrachelleap52loudlysilent
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    I_Am_JeffreyrenderanythingmochironMattMustinmozartmagKevin_burgerfryfavstar1000favskissycatclaw
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I adopted a black cat from the pound. My husband wants to name him Toby, but I like his original name, Kunta Kitty.

    • 158
    • FAVS
    EliHansenMusicJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5shayf_sfreeze6Notawhiner
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    3myk5Dannivoir1KingSaidAdriaancolonwolfstar20allforandreaUgandanCrazyredneckwithagun
    CARBAJALmednnbrlw
  • MyPolishFace
     
    Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Not having empathy makes you sound like a cunt. RT @amandabynes: not having hair makes me feel like a cancer patient

    • 145
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyBurds_1kDuncanGReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgESyncophantthistletat13
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    hannmartLiterallyJershanozmmzarrynziallDreamingHealthyMrsChristinaRMelissadelorme9caparrrr
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Wal-Mart is the only place you can find someone whose weight exceeds their credit score.

    • 157
    • FAVS
    Burds_1wife3kidsnodogs_L322____Reilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    Reilly_Cyrusfukjew3myk5UgandanCrazyxeyednpainless____favstar1000favsedheenan__________farleftcoast
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    I wonder how many marriages the "keep me logged in" checkbox has ruined.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    13spencerBurds_1ShaeAaronBrecAmendedChireBaileykDuncanGJasonBerlinHelmdawgE
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    BrecAmendedChireBaileyPurpleSexBobombkDuncanGUgandanCrazyfavstar1000favsVocabuLarrysummiesumsum
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    My husband and I tried to have sex, but in this heat separating his penis from his balls is like unwrapping a Fruit Roll-Up.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    13spencerChireBaileyEliHansenMusicReilly_CyrusJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    3myk5shvefrobo_junkieUgandanCrazyredneckwithagunNikkiBby90netdog713Fuckablebuddy
    DrThanatosxeyednpainless____
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Hey, you, with the camel toe - your vagina's on crooked.

    • 133
    • FAVS
    ChireBaileyJasonBerlinHelmdawgEaikkia2001DanKCharnley3myk5ashgrashSyncophant
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    EdJohnson2hannmartUgandanCrazyTheNordicHammerobi_ian_kenobiAdamUrbane________TheSnideOnekeefers323
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Wait guys I got a good one:

    Ben Affleck as Batman?? Looks like someone lost a DARE with the DEVIL !!

    Hahahaha *highfivestheworld*

    • 79
    • FAVS
    ChireBaileyHelmdawgEDanKCharnley3myk5ashgrashKizisbombSyncophantthistletat13
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    3myk5SyncophantSzandoHrufi__24asaadhutchinsonAhmetSaelarChrisApellanizChuckdizzle78
  • MyPolishFace
      Veronica @MyPolishFace

    Thanks to Gloria Estefan, I made my dad check my closet every night for the rhythm.

    • 112
    • FAVS
    ChireBaileyJasonBerlinHelmdawgEDanKCharnleyashgrashSyncophantTaylorVirtueNotawhiner
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    UgandanCrazybeerandpretzelz__favstar1000favsPretzelNYPrufrocksSongIntoxicaTweetedMileHighJewawesomebARTon
    vladchocTheNordicHammerxeyednpainless____
@MyPolishFace

@MyPolishFace

I'm the librarian you never had. I've been called a prettier Dr. Ruth. I contributed to @impersonals once. Feel free to star my @ replies.