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When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.
"Oh he died, eh?"
"Oh, geez. Heart attack?"
"Oh, geez. Poutine?"
"Oh, geez. I'm sorry."
- CSI: Canada
Racism is never funny. Especially when your large black coworker is standing behind you forcing you to type this after reading your tweets.
Hold up - my parents told me Kurt Cobain went to a farm in the country...
Your mom has a bush library
My 45-yr old coworker's skirt is so short, I think I'll be able to watch menopause happen in real time.
I don't understand foreigners who pay attention to American politics. I don't even think I could name more than three of Canada's Kings.
If my vagina could talk, it'd say "mmfhdtethmp." We all know how hard it is to talk with fingers in your mouth.
My husband brags to his friends about how great I am at giving head. It must be hard for them to feign surprise.
The streets have a name, Bono. They're all named. Stop driving at night with your sunglasses on. We've been over this.
I made my own punch tonight. The ingredients were vodka and this bitch I hate.
I adopted a black cat from the pound. My husband wants to name him Toby, but I like his original name, Kunta Kitty.
Wal-Mart is the only place you can find someone whose weight exceeds their credit score.
"It's not rhinocerYOU, Bob. It's rhinocerUS." -- rhinoceros marital dispute
I wonder how many marriages the "keep me logged in" checkbox has ruined.
My husband and I tried to have sex, but in this heat separating his penis from his balls is like unwrapping a Fruit Roll-Up.
Hey, you, with the camel toe - your vagina's on crooked.
Wait guys I got a good one:
Ben Affleck as Batman?? Looks like someone lost a DARE with the DEVIL !!
I'm the librarian you never had. I've been called a prettier Dr. Ruth. I contributed to @impersonals once. Feel free to star my @ replies.
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