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"it's getting cold in here, so put on all your clothes" -- a negative nelly
"let me just put the tip in" -- guy on a date with a feminist who insists on paying for the entire meal
i call the expiration dates on food "spoiler alerts." e.g. this mayonnaise has a twist ending you might not enjoy.
someone just wished me a happy christmas. i told him that i'm jewish and we don't believe in happiness. #haveahanukah!
"i am going to teach the FUCK out of those kids." --abstinence educator
are there female ninjas? you rarely hear about them, so they must be even better at it.
"you've got to be shitting me" -- jonah, to the whale
super glad about obama being reelected because neither key nor peele does a great romney impression.
tattoos aren't permitted in strict judaism because i hear the jewish god doesn't want bodies mutilated, except for a baby's penis right away
a book of synonyms is a thesaurus. a book of antonyms is a contradictionary.
new synonym for cockblock: knobstacle
hindsight is 20/20. heinz-sight is 57/57.
did you know that if you say "bloody mary" three times to a bartender, you will be served three bloody marys?
"i experimented in college" -- a scientist
if you tell someone you like her vagina, you are digging a hole.
"we met in london. you were the drizzle; i was the fog..." -- mist connection
dyslexia puts the fun in confusion.
noah's ark was pretty heterosexist. what about gay animals? is that why there are no more unicorns?
i prefer pie and lattes to pilates.
comedian, meat robot, twitter user, https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/meat-robot/id655976916