"it's getting cold in here, so put on all your clothes" -- a negative nelly

"let me just put the tip in" -- guy on a date with a feminist who insists on paying for the entire meal

i call the expiration dates on food "spoiler alerts." e.g. this mayonnaise has a twist ending you might not enjoy.

someone just wished me a happy christmas. i told him that i'm jewish and we don't believe in happiness. #haveahanukah!

"i am going to teach the FUCK out of those kids." --abstinence educator

are there female ninjas? you rarely hear about them, so they must be even better at it.

"you've got to be shitting me" -- jonah, to the whale

in "the purge," rich people can afford security systems, but not flights to a country where the purge isn't happening. #EconFi

super glad about obama being reelected because neither key nor peele does a great romney impression.

tattoos aren't permitted in strict judaism because i hear the jewish god doesn't want bodies mutilated, except for a baby's penis right away

a book of synonyms is a thesaurus. a book of antonyms is a contradictionary.

new synonym for cockblock: knobstacle

hindsight is 20/20. heinz-sight is 57/57.

did you know that if you say "bloody mary" three times to a bartender, you will be served three bloody marys?

"i experimented in college" -- a scientist

if you tell someone you like her vagina, you are digging a hole.

"we met in london. you were the drizzle; i was the fog..." -- mist connection

dyslexia puts the fun in confusion.

noah's ark was pretty heterosexist. what about gay animals? is that why there are no more unicorns?

i prefer pie and lattes to pilates.