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A Roman walked into a bar. He held up 2 fingers and said I'll have 5 beers. ✌
Current net worth, $9.85 and a few sunflower seeds on a napkin. Who wants me? I’ll even throw in the napkin.
Kurt got a movie called "John dies at the end"
We can all go home now.
Just saw a lady driving a cherry red Corvette with a license plate BAZINGA. I just fell in love.
If I had a treadmill at home, I'd have more space in my closet.
To all you women who made the intentional decision not to be a mother, Happy Sunday. XOXO -Guido
My boss just told me I have a talent for making situations uncomfortable and awkward. This was my smile for the day.
Shit! I forgot today is the ex’s bday. I was reminded when he asked me what I got him. “2 kids and the best 13 years of your life, asshole!”
You know what I find really sexy? Sleep. Sleep is really sexy.
Someone has got to put an end to the alarm clock.
That's Mrs. Cousin Guido! ;-)
Someone was crazy enough to want to marry me, and today is the day I marry that crazy wonderful man!
I'm 12 away from 600 followers. Yes, I'm that whore who prostitutes herself for followers.
This house cleaning shit is for losers and people who can't afford cleaning ladies.
Is it fuck o’clock yet?
"Why did you leave your last job?"
"Difference of opinion. I wanted to work there. They wanted me to leave."
Mom, runner, lover of bacon and nachos. One of these is a lie.
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