Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.
I just found the word "meow" in "homeowner." Getting super close curing cancer here guys.
I like how we're all just ignoring the fact that chef hats have no functional purpose whatsoever.
How do we know Pitbull isn't just a russet potato with sunglasses on?
Calling bullshit on the Harvard sticker on that '98 Corolla.
*Smashes through walls* "DID SOMEONE SAY FREE T-SHIRT?!" - college students.
To the lady behind me driving and putting on make up with both hands: you're an idiot, that foundation is way too heavy for your skin tone.
Saying you're a "virgin by choice" is like saying you're a "level 90 Warlock by accident."
Did you guys know that you can just quote Family Guy instead of having a personality?
"When I say awkward, you say silence! Awkward!" - DJ Socially Inept
If a baby bear mauled me I still wouldn't stop cuddling with it.
If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her kids Reese's Pieces then I don't want to be alive anymore.
I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.
Ohhhh "sobriety" I thought you said "sorbet." No, I haven't tried that.
"GOUUUDDAAA!!" - Ludacris applying cheese to his sandwich.
Sober? More like soBORING hahaha amirite?
Alcohol tore my family apart.
If my baby doesn't have a cute video with 1 million hits before age 3, I hope it's foster parents will have more patience than me.
Just used my iPhone flashlight to find glow sticks to find a real flashlight to find batteries for another flashlight. That's where I am.
As far as I'm concerned cotton candy is made from magic and I'm disinterested in any alternative explanation.
I've slept from 8 PM - 4 AM the past couple nights if anyone needs a grandpa.