If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

I just found the word "meow" in "homeowner." Getting super close curing cancer here guys.

I like how we're all just ignoring the fact that chef hats have no functional purpose whatsoever.

How do we know Pitbull isn't just a russet potato with sunglasses on?

Calling bullshit on the Harvard sticker on that '98 Corolla.

*Smashes through walls* "DID SOMEONE SAY FREE T-SHIRT?!" - college students.

To the lady behind me driving and putting on make up with both hands: you're an idiot, that foundation is way too heavy for your skin tone.

Saying you're a "virgin by choice" is like saying you're a "level 90 Warlock by accident."

Did you guys know that you can just quote Family Guy instead of having a personality?

"When I say awkward, you say silence! Awkward!" - DJ Socially Inept

If a baby bear mauled me I still wouldn't stop cuddling with it.

If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her kids Reese's Pieces then I don't want to be alive anymore.

I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.

Ohhhh "sobriety" I thought you said "sorbet." No, I haven't tried that.

"GOUUUDDAAA!!" - Ludacris applying cheese to his sandwich.

Sober? More like soBORING hahaha amirite?



Alcohol tore my family apart.

If my baby doesn't have a cute video with 1 million hits before age 3, I hope it's foster parents will have more patience than me.

Just used my iPhone flashlight to find glow sticks to find a real flashlight to find batteries for another flashlight. That's where I am.

As far as I'm concerned cotton candy is made from magic and I'm disinterested in any alternative explanation.

I've slept from 8 PM - 4 AM the past couple nights if anyone needs a grandpa.