Life is so much better since I've blocked you.

Asking to put your trailer in my backyard is the same as you asking to put your bike in my trunk. I'm still going to tell you no.

Is it WRONG of me not to invite you over just because I don't want to put on pants?

I liked you better when you were out of town.

Who has two thumbs and used her Maccgyver like skillz to break into her house again for the 600th time? This girl.

It's amazing how clean my house gets after watching one episode of Hoarders.

Hot dogs without ketchup?? That's like anal without lube.

What the shit the hell I just spilled beer all over me. I knew this was going to be a good night.

A mini tummy tuck? You've seen your face, right?

@whatever6926 #sickphucker

Hillybilly wedding reception tonight. Ironing my favorite NASCAR t-shirt.

I love how Ryan Gosling is featured in all these movies. Now if I could just get him to feature himself all over me...

At this rate of followers I should have 100 by X-mas. Merry fucking Christmas to me. :)

I smell like beer and meat. I'm a bait pile. Come and eat me.

I wish my neighbors sucked in a good way.

Fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Matt? No? Yay.

Reality called. I Hung up. I then changed my number and went back to bed.

I'm just going to ignore you and hope you go away.

You have to be cruel to be kind. Fuck you. Cruel enough?

@whatever6926 The Palace Fri night. Carey's b-day. Be there or be square.