I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons

In public bathrooms I will sometimes use the childrens urinal in order to feel like a giant

Having a "Plan B" shows a lack of commitment to "Plan A"!

If Silence is Golden, shouldn't duct tape be gold instead of Silver?

I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is?

If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

Wife:will you load the dishwasher? Me:oh yeah baby i'll put a load in you. currently: washing dishes and not getting laid tonight

one daughter left in the house all i have to do is get her married off then i can have my naked room

I have a friend named Scott who still forwards chain emails. As soon as I figure out what to do w/ the body I'll be Scott-free.

i've been texting so much lately that i move my thumbs from side to side when i'm actually talking to someone

Rainbows in trouble spend time in Prism

I once threw a rock 5,280 feet, it was a milestone

If you don't have a foot we can't be friends I'm lack toes intolerant

If I reply "what?" in a text it means reword it, It doesn't mean I didn't hear you the first time

the people who get starred and never star back I suspect are the same people who like to receive oral and never give it.

No officer I wasn't texting and driving I was tweeting and driving totally different

my wife's trying to resort to sex to get me off of twitter, foolish girl, ok guys i'll be back in 2 minutes

I was told if I souped up my car it would go faster, all Minestrone did was destroy the engine, I should have gone with Tomato.

2 chickens ran out in front of me, I swerved and missed one but clipped the other, he landed on his feet though, it was poultry in motion.

If someone were actually rolling on the floor laughing while texting wouldn't it look more like hak*cgfesxfwsnchjksa