I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon

I can't figure out if robin williams is really funny or if people are just scared of what will happen if they don't laugh

I'm so sick of being white it's like playing a video game on easy

I am absolutely terrified of smart people who aren't depressed

I'm terrified of saying ranch dressing out loud because I don't want christina aguilera crashing through my wall like the kool-aid man

getting fake boobs is like sewing a panda to your head, everyone loves pandas but dude wtf

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

will someone please love taylor swift so she will be quiet

hey dude who created clothes why do you hate looking at titties

maybe your boyfriend broke up with you cuz you called him baby instead of something cool like king wiener

I love in Pretty Woman when she shows that mean saleslady she's not a whore by getting the rich guy she's blowing to buy clothes for her

some people are scared of clowns but I'm scared of women who are super into horses

girls aren't crazy, they just need reassurance that you love them and you'll never look at that fucking whore again or I'll show you crazy

so apparently if you go to a yoga class and don't tell anyone you die

I wish I loved anything as much as atheists love telling everyone they're atheist

is everyone in the big bang theory audience being blackmailed to laugh I don't get it

so I guess a "morning person" is just someone who doesn't drink

when my little niece cries I tell her one day a japanese businessman will pay her to do that

ugh always a bridesmaid never an imaginary dead girlfriend

hey pregnant ladies keep taking artistic naked photos of yourselves because I don't think every single male on this planet is gay yet