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Late, late for a rather unimportant date... Situations like this is why they should invent Febreze Por Homme
That's the 5th time you've said "One for the road" mate. Next one-for-the-road's getting placed in front of oncoming traffic outside, ja?
Dude, There's My Car #titlesruined
wonders if tiger made it to 3rd Hole with any of his ladies?
Just blew my nose so hard my right ear squeaked. That's *so* going on the Superpowers list.
Edinburgh City Facts: Arthur had a huge arse. #omgfacts
:O dear god... HAND DRYER HUMPER!! Gerroutta here ya filthy bum! take that freakin damp crotch with ye..
'Your JLS Condom Variety Pack Contains: 2x Marvin Grooms, 2x J.B. Johnny Bags, 2x Ass-Tone Merrygolds and 24x Otrise Willy-Yums' #JLSCondoms
Chuck Norris dresses normally on Hallowe'en - it's the only time of year people give him treats & don't call him names. #newchucknorrisfacts
Going into a bookstore & swapping around the covers of 'The Rough Guide to Sex' & 'The Guide to Rough Sex' to make the world a better place
If you want this bottle of vodka you're going to have to pry it from my cold, dead lack of consciousness
i'm gona go home and replace the salt and pepper shakers with tic tacs. i fucking mean it.
Shrove Tuesday is for the pancake-flippin' professionals. Ash Wednesday is for the aftermath of the novices: burnt, pancakes, everywhere.
Actually, i ♥ Americans long time! Except ones that refuse to have an objective point of view & slate a whole country, on total conjecture x
If Britain permitted its populace to sell their own organs for money, by halfway through college i'd have been a brain in a jar x
Sometimes, when the end of the day sunshine hits it just right, Edinburgh pulls off being the most beautiful city in the world :)
Maybe drawing moustaches on all the numpties I didn't like on the bus instead would've helped pass the time quicker.