Late, late for a rather unimportant date... Situations like this is why they should invent Febreze Por Homme

That's the 5th time you've said "One for the road" mate. Next one-for-the-road's getting placed in front of oncoming traffic outside, ja?

Dude, There's My Car #titlesruined

wonders if tiger made it to 3rd Hole with any of his ladies?

Just blew my nose so hard my right ear squeaked. That's *so* going on the Superpowers list.

Edinburgh City Facts: Arthur had a huge arse. #omgfacts

:O dear god... HAND DRYER HUMPER!! Gerroutta here ya filthy bum! take that freakin damp crotch with ye..

'Your JLS Condom Variety Pack Contains: 2x Marvin Grooms, 2x J.B. Johnny Bags, 2x Ass-Tone Merrygolds and 24x Otrise Willy-Yums' #JLSCondoms

Chuck Norris dresses normally on Hallowe'en - it's the only time of year people give him treats & don't call him names. #newchucknorrisfacts

A woman trying to go into #Edinburgh @curryspcworld with a goat... it must've needed more RAM. Ha! I'll see myself out. pic.twitter.com/OajSeC99

i'm gona go home and replace the salt and pepper shakers with tic tacs. i fucking mean it.

Shrove Tuesday is for the pancake-flippin' professionals. Ash Wednesday is for the aftermath of the novices: burnt, pancakes, everywhere.

Actually, i ♥ Americans long time! Except ones that refuse to have an objective point of view & slate a whole country, on total conjecture x

If Britain permitted its populace to sell their own organs for money, by halfway through college i'd have been a brain in a jar x

Sometimes, when the end of the day sunshine hits it just right, Edinburgh pulls off being the most beautiful city in the world :)

Are there rules against giving someone a backie around the Tour de France? I'll help @lancearmstrong out, I still like him.

Maybe drawing moustaches on all the numpties I didn't like on the bus instead would've helped pass the time quicker.

@threeuk hiya. these numbers - 08003584468, 084433802827 & 08443380282 repeatedly call Three customers claiming to be customer services >>

Duke Nukem Forever and Osama Bin Laden are both trending on twitter - now THERE'S a game idea!

"EY-JAFJALLAJÖKULL-EY ALLLRIGHTY THENNN!" #Ashtag #TopicalFilmQuotes