If I ever wrote a sex manual, it would be called 'Ouch, You're on My Hair.'

Trust me... If you're in your mid-twenties living at home with mom and sleeping on Star Wars sheets, the force is not with you.

Strange trend happening at work. People are putting names on the food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna fish sandwich named Kevin.

I like dating homeless women. It's easier to get them to stay over.

In a blind taste test... Stevie Wonder tasted much better than Ray Charles.

To me vaginas are like hot dogs. If I knew what was in it, I probably wouldn't eat it.

I hate when people buy me restaurant gift cards. It's like saying I want to buy you dinner, but I don't want to go with you.

I was peeing at work and thought of a tweet I read and giggled right as someone walked in to see me giggling at my penis, Thanks twitter.

I don't think I could tell the difference between a professional tap dancer, or someone who's pretending to tap dance.

I can't be the only one that wants to put a hamster in a remote control car and drive him around the living room.

I found out my little brother is a gay mime. Yeah, he just came out of the box.

A female friend asks" How in the hell can a guy want to have sex with a blow up doll?" I could only think to say "Well, it's not plan A."

I got into this HUGE argument all because someone told me I make mountains out of molehills.

I want to get a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. That way when people ask "what is that" I can say "that's a Tattoo."

You complicate me.

I have bad luck with women. I was on the phone with my girlfriend and she said " I have to go, there's a telemarketer on the other line."

I woke up this morning and my penis was orange. Then I remembered, I had Cheetos last night.

I think I will go ahead and name my next dog "Password."

If I'm at a party and someone says something funny. I Retweet them by running into another room and telling everyone what they said.

I was going to dress up as Waldo for Halloween, but I couldn't find a costume.