12 yr old son- why does your poop reek? Me- WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE I AM TRYING TO TWITTER IN PEACE!

My husband has acquired a plastic backscratcher. I knew if I waited long enough technology would render me obsolete.

The bumper sticker on the car ahead of me in the McDonalds drive-thru says: "powered by organic food" AHAHA poser I caught you!!

I really should not be making my home hair color decisions based on which one is the cheapest.

My 12 year old was just baffled by the "beep, beep, beep" when he dialed a number. HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT A BUSY SIGNAL WAS! OMG. Discuss.

Just went to Taco Bell ordered 2 tacos and I got BLACK TACOS. But they taste the same. I could go back even though I've had black.

You know when you're really mad at your husband and you have PMS but you're too lazy to fight so you're just a bitch? Yeah that.

Husb: We're deciding on resteraunts based on how your hair looks? Me: EVERY decision is based on how my hair looks.

One of these days I am going to roll my eyes so hard they will pop right out of my skull.

The twins are trying to talk me into buying a Snuggie from TV. "you can eat popcorn in it!" "You can hug kids in it!" "they have blue!"

You want to eat AGAIN? Don't they feed you at school? What do you mean it's Sunday? Where were you all day then? Never mind you look fine.

I am the DVR remote SAVANT tonight! I have fast forwarded and stopped it exactly right 6 times in a row! Yeah, I got skillz.

Took two naps, ate BBQ, did no chores. Good Fathers day. What? I'm the mom? Oh, sorry babe.

Clerk at 7-11 thought the phone # written on my dollar was me giving him MY number. If I wanted YOU, buddy, I wouldn't be that subtle.

Bill OReilly makes my children cry.

But why is it MY job to match socks just because I have boobs? I hate doing it just as much as everyone else! You can't make me do it.

I tricked/coerced my husband into seeing Paranormal Activity and he is STILL creeped out. Only feel guilty that I dont feel guilty.

Huz just called me from the basement to see where I was so I pretended I only spoke Spanish. 'Esta en Bano!' I think he knows it was me.

Riley just handed me a rubber band. "I got you a ribbon with love in it. " Aww. "are you going to wear it every day?" I am now.

Twins want ALL toys on TV. I tell them to make a list for Santa, which WORKS but I hope they don't remember they can't write or spell.