"this man.. is such an ass! every time he opens his mouth i think a suppository will come out "

I don't get why ppl pregame going out to clubs, we should pregame things like family reunions or 3 hour lectures

There's a fine fine line btwn tweetworthy and inappropriate ... Wtvr dyslexic I confuse my left n right newayz

Dear God,



All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen

i know im a pain in the ass girlfriend but im a step up from all the other pain in the ass girlfriends cause im aware of it

awkward!facebooks new link "see friendship" takes creeping to a whole new level!wt happened to old fashion stalking w ur car & binoculars?

The queen is just a really old celebrity , I'd love to see her home on "MTV cribs" sometime soon

ProTip: don't let anyone convince you to a 6 am excersize training session

Underrated how frustrating broken escalators are

i discriminate against people with accents

I really wanna go for a jog in the park right now , but i watch wayy too much Law & Order for it not to feel like a suicide attempt ..

Is it tacky to ask for a to-go cup for this martini ?

when wearing satin 3lbs is the difference btwn bomb shell in the blue mini dress or blue whale who's cloths don't fit

willow smith is 9 years old w a chart toping single about her hair, proving that if ur daddy is the fresh prince all your dreams come true

either the neighbors cat has learned to break into my apartment at night or im scratching my face while asleep

Flashbacks from "fitness camp" at age 15,they took us to target to refresh on toiletries.. We smuggled in pillsberry cookie dough #truestory

Yes , if u shamelessly flirt with me I'm more likely to buy crap from you - I know the game n I love it

Dude smells like french fries , instant attraction

Yes , I do walk the long way to pass the puppies in the window

sometimes pure evil disguises itself as chocolate, or baked goods