Most of you here need 50 and 100 star tweets to satisfy your ever growing addiction but 1 or 2 make me turn flips and feel all funny inside.

I have a deep thought...What if oxygen makes our voice really deep and helium brings our voice back to normal.

The pollen count here in NC is so bad that I heard the meth heads are converting their meth back into sinus medicine

When I decide to build a fence around my property I am going to recruit some of you because you put up 20 posts to every one I put up.

You know how valuable your are to a company when you show up an hour late and no one notices!

I did a good deed today by holding the door open for a lady but she wouldn't get in the van.

I dont need Google, my boss knows everything so if you guys need info I'll pass his number along.

Is it sad that most of you don't even know who the Bee Gees are, don't care who they are or that I'm old enough to remember who they are?

Two things I learned this morning. 1 my friend at work was not flirting with me and 2 she has a nervous facial twitch.

I'm wondering why there aren't any Black Friday sales at the liquor store

To my high school classmate that saw me out somewhere and acted like you didn't... you should know that I ignored you first.

I go to bed after everyone else and I always get up before anyone else in the house, is this how it starts for those psyco killers/loners?

My wife doesn't realize just how lucky she is and I try to remind her of it everyday when I say, "Bye Honey, I'm leaving for work."

My daughter asked me if she got her athletic skills from me and I said uh sure, I went to every football game when I was in high school.

Does anyone know what TV channel is showing Waynes World or Fast Times at Ridgemont High marathons today?

I don't celebrate "green day" but I bet Dominos and Doritos stock is way up today and the 7-Eleven stores are standing room only.

I was headed into Target but realized I hadn't taken a shower so now it's Walmart instead!

Seeing octomom again makes me realize she looks like what Sonny and Cher's kid should have looked like.

I've never had to fight for my right to party but I have been know to drop kick a lawn decoration Santa or 2 while leaving a Christmas party

We are trying to get into the Christmas spirit here at work but so far the only spirit anyone has conjured up is from the threshold of hell.