Her-why you such an asshole today?

Me-I quit smoking 3 days ago.

Her-why were you an asshole last week?

Me-I was thinking of quitting.

Is "god bless you" acceptable to say when a pregnant woman queefs?

The kids are pretty high maintenance. Always wanting something to eat or drink.

The nerve of these guys!

A great relationship consists of Trust, communication and compromise.

And an occasional "go fuck yourself" ain't to bad.

Just seen a lady on a iPhone 4 in a black escalade on 24's pay with food stamps.

Made me want to quit my job cause I want an escalade to.

At a party with cholos, bikers and booze.

This can't end well...

Guy at store- we're having a family portrait sale...
Me- YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE! did you not just see me using the coinstar?!

If your eating Chinese food with chopsticks it's only fair to eat Mexican food with a tortilla instead of silverware.

Like us Mexicans do.

HEY GUYS! I was able to use my iPhone to make a call.

I finally found a g-spot.

Co-worker likes to hide shit from people, found keys in the couch an salt shaker in the freezer. Next week I'm hiding my foot in his ass!

So at what point of the baby shower do the strippers arrive?

Sister in law came from out of town to visit an drink some brewskis with us. So naturally we're sitting at the table looking at our phones.

Daughter her boyfriend and my wife are all sitting here playing games on their iPhones.

I'm on Twitter ,cause I know what an iPhones for!

Due to the rain I will not be performing the Dougie. Instead I'll be doing the water scene from flash dance.

Stripper spread her legs to show a bush that hasn't been trimmed in years an got mad when I said "I think there's a squatch in these woods!"

LIVE FROM COURT ROOM 159 IN DOWNTOWN DENV... nevermind. Apparently, I'll be held in contempt if I'm told to get off Twitter one more time.

I'm gonna die at work today! If not from boredom starvation will surely do the trick.

Sign- if you don't speak English point to your language for a translator.

cause You can read English, If you can't speak it.

Stupid ass's!

Busted out some old school dance moves tonight. Did the running man.

All the way to the toilet.

AT&T- sorry sir. Our computers are down.

Me- not surprised. Your phone service usually is to.