Got the bright idea to put a dot of fingernail polish on my keys to tell them apart 2 hours later all the keys are fully painted thanks OCD

If you wrongfully park in a handicapped space when you come out of the store I'll hit you w/ my car and make it legal for you to park there

Best fly trap ever invented....mini blinds

If your a girl who uses the word "cunt" I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you take it up the butt....... Just a geuss

In a world where larry the damn cable guy can be a cop are we really supposed to trust the police

If ur a "cat person" you and I can't be friends..well we can but I'm not eating at your house..or sitting..or visiting..so yeah good friends

I can only hope that one day I don't wake up and say "today will be a good day to paint my car in honor of a candy bar or a soft drink"

its funny when celebrities RT a compliment even though it has a million typos and and egg for a avi just bc ya know they need the ego boost

not sure I know or care what or who a hipster is... but I do know this I'M GETTING PRETTY DAMN TIRED OF HEARING THAT WORD! #hipsterhipster

My tooth hurts today so someone will get cursed out bc clearly it will be their fault

I love when ppl go out of their way to to make a point to me only to find out idgaf and haven't been listening the whole time #STFU

If you're a grown ass person and your dressing up to go to work today stop it.... for the love of god just stop it

Everytime I read my TL I learn something new... Did you guys know that if you RT someone your supposed to give em a damn star too. Good lord

Nothing worse than being in a minivan with the dad sticker scratched off of the family of stickers on the back glass

If you do any of these IRL we can't be friends 1) kiss your dog in the mouth 2) post lyrics or bible verses as status 3) eat banana taffy

harry potter nerds and "monsters" who worship gaga should all meet in a library parking lot and fight to see who the biggest douche is

If your text messages or anything else you send has a signature at the end of it be real with yourself and change it to I'm a douchebag

Well its Friday that could only mean one thing..... my TL will be filled with #FF and @ symbols and a bunch of other crap I won't look at

Its thursday you know what that means......what idk I thought you guys knew.......someone tell me

On another note it seems the one thing you need to groom extreme poodles is a loss of reality