Let's stay up late and whisper sweet nothings about how yellow the neighbor's grass is looking these days.

Sometimes I dream about doing great things with my life, but then I start googling "lions hugging people" and I'm put back in my place.

@allenleech it's so weird how i have this urge to run away with my chauffeur. i don't even have a chauffeur.

"You are the apple of my eye," he said every morning to the apple his ex shoved in his eye socket that one time. It was pretty gross.

Canadian linguists prove that Jesus was actually a car painter, not a carpenter.

Jeff Goldblum never ages. Jeff Goldblum never ages. Jeff Goldblum never ages. Jeff Goldblum never ages. Jeff Goldblum never ages. Jeff Goldb

some girl just dedicated a whole paragraph of a fb status wishing her boyfriend a happy bday. it's barely 11 am why are you doing this to me

HAHAH RT @questlove: Best #Irene Sign Thus Far...... http://t.co/P0JKxS4

#FF worms that emerge after the rain, they are lonely

browse the aisles of the grocery store with me so I know it's real

I think Tim Riggins may be a little too spicy to be in a "disney" movie. The little children can't handle it and will get confused.

Hey Michigan peeps, start supporting your other sports team, @detroitpistons and go to the games! They've been rocking lately.

Not everything is narrated by Morgan Freeman, and when it's not, did it ever really happen?

my momma just purse-dialed me and for a minute it felt like I was actually trapped in her purse so I started shouting her name to help me

I don't have my contacts on and I thought I was shooing a fly away, but IT WAS A WASP YOU GUYS IT WAS A WASPPPPP.

"Ohhh Chupacabra's are just dogs that are sick, they're not mexican devil creatures"

It must suck to be Monday. Everyone hates you.

Something weird is happening with Mos Def and myself. It's Mos Def confusing.

Its called franzia because youre with all your 'franz....yaaa!' Ok i tried leave me alone

Canadians are allowed to use twitter, right?