I really wish that assassin was an available career choice when I was a kid.

Thank you @favstar for giving me something else to pretend not to care about and then neurotically check every 15 minutes.

If you're happy and you know it keep it to yourself, you smug fuck.

Life is giving me a headache. Okay, the fifth of cheap bourbon I drank last night is giving me a headache but life made me drink it.

Stupid sunless tanning lotion. I look like an Oompa-Loompa with vitiligo.

When somebody offers you drugs for free TAKE THEM. Jesus, you're going to end up doing them later on anyway. #tweetyour16yearoldself

This water would taste much better if it had scotch in it.

Sometimes I look back on my life wonder where it all went wrong...and then I stop giving a shit and get really drunk.

Goddammit ladies, flush your shit! What, do you think you're cats? "I'll just kick some toilet paper over it and bolt."

In other news, I bought a hot pink Christmas tree.

Dead birds, dead fish. Somewhere in Arkansas there's an underground bunker filled with highly intelligent cyborg cats from the future.

The Little Engine That Could Kill You and Everyone You Love. #SadChildrensBooks

The only thing that sucks worse than being half asleep at work is being entirely awake at work. fuck.

I'm not Irish but I am Romanian. Which is just a drunker, crazier, poorer, fightyer version of the Irish.

From what I can gather from Favstar, there are either 3 people who find me really funny or 3 people that are totally fucking with me.

Dammit! One of my followers escaped while I wasn't looking. Don't worry fucker, I'll find you. THERE IS NO LEAVING HERE!

Unless your goal is to become the object of my irrational fury, do not tell me to calm down when I'm ranting.

Off to the sweet embrace of booze. 'Night all.

My aunt and my grandmother somehow got my phone number. Great. Now I have two generations of crazy calling me every goddamn day.

Jesus christ, my boss needs to wear a fucking bell.