Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I was just cut off by a tractor. In Vegas. People are taking this Farmville shit way too seriously
OH: If you don't like gay marriage, blame heterosexuals. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.
Me: I can't get married again and go through another divorce.
Friend: It doesn't have to end like that. You could go through a murder trial
New rule: you don't get to say "everything happens for a reason" if you're the fucking reason.
Nice car. I'd jack that.
Dear Santa, I want a Mercedes for Christmas. Car or stripper. Your choice.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. You'll be naked. Hope that's ok.
I just ate a donut in the shower. I guess you could say I'm at the exact opposite of rock bottom.
OH: It's simple really. If you're against gay marriage, don't get gay married.
Just saw an Asian man wearing a fur cap, a kilt, and cowboy boots at the bus stop. Viva Las Vegas!
I missed it. Did the Chilean miners see their shadow?
I do my best parenting via text message
Look, all I'm saying is that if you put the toilet paper roll up so that the sheets come off from underneath, you're a terrorist.
It's so exhausting being this much better than everyone else.
Just took my phone out for a nice dinner.
I wasn't texting, Officer.
I was tweeting.
Money can't buy happiness, but I imagine it's better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry in a Hyundai.
Funny. I have some single female friends who always complain about not having kids, yet they won't take mine when I offer them.
If there was any question that I am, in fact, retarded, I just spent five minutes looking for my phone. While I was talking to my mom on it.
It's been so long I'm certain my next wet dream will impregnate every woman within a 12 mile radius. Neighborhood, you've been warned.
A doctor, but not the important kind. Bill Clinton lookalike, but not the important kind.