I was just cut off by a tractor. In Vegas. People are taking this Farmville shit way too seriously

OH: If you don't like gay marriage, blame heterosexuals. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

Me: I can't get married again and go through another divorce.

Friend: It doesn't have to end like that. You could go through a murder trial

New rule: you don't get to say "everything happens for a reason" if you're the fucking reason.

Nice car. I'd jack that.

Dear Santa, I want a Mercedes for Christmas. Car or stripper. Your choice.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. You'll be naked. Hope that's ok.

I just ate a donut in the shower. I guess you could say I'm at the exact opposite of rock bottom.

OH: It's simple really. If you're against gay marriage, don't get gay married.

Just saw an Asian man wearing a fur cap, a kilt, and cowboy boots at the bus stop. Viva Las Vegas!

I missed it. Did the Chilean miners see their shadow?

I do my best parenting via text message

Look, all I'm saying is that if you put the toilet paper roll up so that the sheets come off from underneath, you're a terrorist.

It's so exhausting being this much better than everyone else.

Just took my phone out for a nice dinner.

I wasn't texting, Officer.

I was tweeting.

Money can't buy happiness, but I imagine it's better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry in a Hyundai.

Funny. I have some single female friends who always complain about not having kids, yet they won't take mine when I offer them.

If there was any question that I am, in fact, retarded, I just spent five minutes looking for my phone. While I was talking to my mom on it.

It's been so long I'm certain my next wet dream will impregnate every woman within a 12 mile radius. Neighborhood, you've been warned.