How does someone have 1,500 followers and only 1 tweet? That must be one funny mother-fucking tweet!

You're telling me I have to be on twitter to read my TL, favstar.fm for a trophy, and twitkiss to kiss someone? Fuck ur high-maintenance.

A woman sucking on a lollipop has my attention.

Do the big silver balls hanging from my truck make me look like a douche bag?

This smile on my face is not because I am happy to see you, it's from that big ass bowl I just smoked in my car.

Twitter is like when I was first discovering my penis. I didn't know what it was but I knew it would lead to something exciting.

Some nights I like to think of myself as a ninja, well, everynight actually

I think this guy in the car ahead of me is tweeting and he made me miss a light. If he's in your TL don't star his shit!

It's usually the same few followers that push my tweets to 25, 50, and 100.
It may be love but I'm pretty sure OCD has to do with it.

I'm following some girl cause she mentioned ice cream. Boy I'm fucking lonely.

I just French kissed my cat. Yay! Gonna go change my Facebook status to "in a relationship"

Star light, star bright,
will someone star fuck me tonight?

My awesome and your awesome should hang out

I have to believe that someone, somewhere is eating ice cream in their underwear too.

A girl just asked me if I wanted to have weird sex tonight. Is there any other kind?

This gummy bear fetish is fucking getting way out of hand

If you follow me and have never starred or re-tweeted any of my tweets, either your dead or just dead to me.

Seriously, my penis has been on paid leave for way too long. Poor thing wants to WORK!

When I'm rich, I'm going to hire a trumpet player to play taps as I flush a used condom down the toilet.

I'm new to twitter so all these twittercides have me on edge. Mine will be a bit more dramatic I think. Lube and glitter will be involved.