Show me a guy who isn't an asshole, and I'll show you twenty girls who wouldn't date him.

Don't look for someone you can be normal around. Hold out for the one as weird as you are.

I turned off my radio, and it still played Gotye.

Don't rub your happiness in my face; rub your face in my happiness.

I relinquish my control to the man who makes me wet without even touching me.

There are worse things than being far away from the one you love, like sleeping next to someone you don't.

If I had my way, it would be with you.

Where does Satan tell people to go when he gets pissed off?

I'm a sucker for a man with an accent, but a swallower for a man with a brilliant mind.


And an accent.

I tried to date my stalker but he said he needed some space.

Apostrophes don't make your words plural, people. Think of them as your insecure and manipulative exes: They're possessive and omit things.

I'm crushing on you hard, but I promise that I'm soft, supple, and I'll form to you perfectly.

A man will celebrate your sexiness & applaud you for it until he gets emotionally attached. Then he's going to need you to put on a sweater.

I was reading Chris Brown's autobiography in bed when it fell and hit me in the face. So yeah, the book is refreshingly honest and accurate.

I have an uncanny ability to spot liars, usually after a few years of dating them.

The devil wants you inside me on his behalf.

I've dated assholes before, but I've also shit in a diaper before. At some point, you have to grow up and leave that phase far behind you.

Just enough beauty to make people wonder why I'm single and just enough of a mouth to make it easy for them to figure it out on their own.

Stumbling upon someone awesome to follow on a daily basis is a pleasure that I don't take for granted.

How did death get such a bad rap? I've never heard a single dead person say anything bad about it.