I really, really want to get excommunicated but I hate the idea of having to join a church first.

The scent we use in our son's bathroom is called Forever Urine.

Each time a coworker tries to talk to me today, I'm playing 'Intergalactic' by the Beastie Boys whilst doing The Robot until they leave.

On a scale from 0-10; I’m pretty fuckin’ sleepy!

FYI, I don't do a shout-out because you star me. I do shout-outs because I like your ass.....er...your tweets. Tweets. I meant to say tweets

"I don't wanna discuss about it" - People who want to discuss about it.

Let’s just skip the passive and go right to the aggressive.

If I tell you I think something is interesting, I’m lying.

My kid thinks life's not fair, wait until he starts paying taxes.

I don't trust people who don't trust people.

When someone tells me what color karate belt their kid has, I show them mine & say, "K-Mart, $9.99." & I imagine Mr. Miyagi nods in approval

If you could be anything you wanted when you grow up could it please someone who shuts the fuck up?

Wife's out for the evening, so I'm teaching my boys how to eat their dinner standing with their bowl over the sink

If he says "No baby, it's not like that" ... It is exactly like that

My foot just fell asleep while I was driving proving once again that all of our higher brain functions are in our big toes.

If by adult, you mean do I still block people for manual retweeting me, then yeah, I'm adult as fuck.

I bet bugs think they're hilarious for being able to make you look like a crazy person for swatting at the air in front of your face.

Good donuts make life worth living.

I'm smoking more cause i'm stressing out over how much money we spend on cigarettes every month.

There isn't one person that doesn't appreciate an unqualified, nonprofessional opinion on exactly what their problems are.