"James, would you like a cup of tea?" "I have no direct knowledge of liking tea, but I'm happy to find out if I do and get back to you."

"We spent so long looking for the Higgs boson, and all the time it was in our hearts." -- Higgs Boson Christmas Special

Roses come in a variety of colours / The colour of violets is self-explanatory / Why does nobody love me? / Is it my unrelenting pedantry?

A horse walks into a pub. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to understand language, eats a beer mat.

Breaking news: BBC royal wedding expert Fearne Cotton describes royal wedding as "Brilliant".

Sky News reporter: "The police will be encouraged that this has been going on for two hours and nothing has gone bang". Award-winning stuff.

Are you in Tottenham Court Road? Have you seen Tottenham Court Road on a map? Do you know where London is? The BBC wants to borrow your A-Z.

Normally when an inhuman creature is intent on destroying the country, Doctor Who turns up and stops him from privatising the NHS.

In honour of Manchester City's footballing achievement, today I will be throwing money at things until they stop being shit.

COBRA has concluded that the best way to reach out to London's disaffected youth is for the Prime Minister to change his name to D-Cam.

Coldplay fact: Coldplay is a euphemism for necrophilia.

That David Cameron sliding scale of access in full – what your money buys you: http://t.co/DYa9Vlc2

It would be amusing if turned out we were the only life in the universe. Seven billion idiots on a wet rock, not really enjoying ourselves.

The BBC reports that David Cameron has met Aung San Suu Kyi. As if she hasn't already been through enough.

Somewhere in the world there's a butterfly sitting drunk in a bar terrified that it's responsible for what's happened.

If Cameron uses the phrases "we're all in this together" or "big society" today I will travel to London and kick him in the monkey onions.

Qualifications are overrated - I didn't do any A-levels and I've got this fantastic job wanking off drunk men in car parks for small change.

People are picketing the KFC down the road demanding that Colonel Sanders steps down. Nobody's safe.

I also put Princess Diana down on the Census as she lives in my heart.

Good news: I have vetoed David Cameron as he is not in Britain's interest.