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"oh you're texting a girl? Did you send a dick pic yet?" -a gay guy
Whatever happened today go to bed with a smile on your face because you made it through today and you'll face tomorrow with a smile.
Some of my bigger regrets are witty things I forget to tweet.
Why would you say "your guess is as good as mine" when you won $50 for guessing jellybeans in a jar SO clearly I want you to guess
Okay quitting social media for a few days.
I know all I need to know about a person by their cell phone's ringer, ringer volume, and urgency to answer a ring.
A hipster wearing glasses is ironic because underneath that facade of intelligence, you wouldn't expect a complete moron. #TheMoarYouKnow
Maybe Tweeting is my form of prayer. Speaking to no one but hoping for someone.
If one football fan threw a beer bottle at Celine Dion singing the national anthem would that symbolize American discontent with Canada?
I just one-shotted a cockroach four feet up on a wall with a high kick.
Buddy Roemer for President!
Want to have a dramatic day today? Say in response to anyone's trivial declaration: "I'll be the judge of that!"
Today I saw that lunch date among girlfriends where you sense the scrutiny over what is worn, what is eaten... Oh poor, cannibalistic sex :(
I also have nightmares where I use the word "EPIC" when not describing the story form.
But like. Can you even have two Orange teams in the same division? #ACC
Sometimes I leave a big tip at a register's tip jar so that when the cashier thanks me, the person behind me feels awkward.