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"oh you're texting a girl? Did you send a dick pic yet?" -a gay guy
Whatever happened today go to bed with a smile on your face because you made it through today and you'll face tomorrow with a smile.
Some of my bigger regrets are witty things I forget to tweet.
Why would you say "your guess is as good as mine" when you won $50 for guessing jellybeans in a jar SO clearly I want you to guess
Okay quitting social media for a few days.
I know all I need to know about a person by their cell phone's ringer, ringer volume, and urgency to answer a ring.
A hipster wearing glasses is ironic because underneath that facade of intelligence, you wouldn't expect a complete moron. #TheMoarYouKnow
Maybe Tweeting is my form of prayer. Speaking to no one but hoping for someone.
Deja vu is the scariest thing because you knew it was coming all along but couldn't do a thing to stop it.
If one football fan threw a beer bottle at Celine Dion singing the national anthem would that symbolize American discontent with Canada?
I just one-shotted a cockroach four feet up on a wall with a high kick.
Buddy Roemer for President!
Want to have a dramatic day today? Say in response to anyone's trivial declaration: "I'll be the judge of that!"
Sometimes I leave a big tip at a register's tip jar so that when the cashier thanks me, the person behind me feels awkward.