Wow, Quorn will use 3 MILLION fewer eggs by producing vegan veggie burgers "@modernvegan: Quorn's First Vegan Product http://t.co/OgM334Hh"

"oh you're texting a girl? Did you send a dick pic yet?" -a gay guy

Some of my bigger regrets are witty things I forget to tweet.

I know all I need to know about a person by their cell phone's ringer, ringer volume, and urgency to answer a ring.

A hipster wearing glasses is ironic because underneath that facade of intelligence, you wouldn't expect a complete moron. #TheMoarYouKnow

Maybe Tweeting is my form of prayer. Speaking to no one but hoping for someone.

I just one-shotted a cockroach four feet up on a wall with a high kick.

@rachelgbiv still can't help but pour on the pepper and mustard. Mmmm

TMI OTD: "World's heaviest woman sheds 98 lbs with seven-times-a-day sex" PIC http://t.co/Xjd3hjPg

Buddy Roemer for President!

Want to have a dramatic day today? Say in response to anyone's trivial declaration: "I'll be the judge of that!"

Today I saw that lunch date among girlfriends where you sense the scrutiny over what is worn, what is eaten... Oh poor, cannibalistic sex :(

I also have nightmares where I use the word "EPIC" when not describing the story form.

But like. Can you even have two Orange teams in the same division? #ACC

I like how apparently, "the death of the Ford Crown Victoria is a sad day for America"... nostalgia goggles maybe?

"Every man wants something, Alayne. And when you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him." - A Storm of Swords

"Tyler, the Creator’s bonkers music video for “Yonkers” won him Best New Artist, fulfilling a lifelong dream he’s had for 11 years" facepalm

Can't wait for the black Twitter community to start the hashtag #NameofJayZandBeyoncesBaby - my contribution? "Daprince"

"The biggest curse was losing my ghosts. The better firsts I miss the most."

Drunk @katieeha trippin on sidewalks, what else is new! http://t.co/BoQo934