CNN: Katie Holmes hostage situation ends.

While at Harvard, Jeremy Lin stole the idea of playing in the NBA from the Winklevoss Twins.

I'm so gangster, I don't even report to Apple when Safari unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

ESPN: David Stern to block Kobe Bryant divorce.

One of the greatest letters I've ever read. You gotta read this. Takes 90 seconds. http://t.co/6CrPgkBu

A fake person who loved you, then died? Isn't that what Notre Dame is all about? #jesus #te'o

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

Obama quit smoking cigarettes and started smoking Middle Eastern dudes.

Now is not the time to talk about gun control. Yesterday was.

If you don't spend your 9/11 by going on social networks and yelling at people for being insensitive, the terrorists win.

Mubarak's speech is less loathesome if you imagine him working with Geoffrey Rush for months to overcome stuttering.

Bicycle helmets save lives. Because if you wear one, women will never have sex with you, so you'll never get AIDS.

Human beings celebrating Earth Day is like Chris Brown celebrating Rihanna Day.

If hoodies and weed residue justified homicide, everyone I know would be dead. #justice4trayvon

I believe in the separation of Rick Santorum and elected office.

The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Kobe's so competitive, he's trying to figure out a way to be gayer than Jason Collins right now.

Can't wait to see how the private sector comes to people's aid after Hurricane Sandy.

Muslims vow to make USA pay because of one asshole. Can you imagine us doing that to a country? We did? To Iraq? Oh right.