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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    I can say with great confidence that Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" is by far the greatest song ever written about substitute teaching.

    • 87
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    jdubbs99BOOB_STATUSDareDarilyndebcbrownmarnie_idolracheldropeAdamGetsDistracIAmElectroCute
    • 53
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    comradecrewsloza_cookehmb712wolveroonTeddiLaRouxAndreMaranowitzantonriowibowoChelleFC
    kelkulus
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Iowa Caucus is close. But looks like the old rich white guy who spends an uncomfortable amount of time proving he's not a bigot might win.

    • 35
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    letsgetgizzymy_minivan_lifepeachgrenadehullobaconthesnarkessunanythingunholly933____xHobosexualx
    • 104
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    SuSmithJosephySarvadyjjarichardsonTheDoloresHayestrojangal31xHobosexualxestherbeadleZerofever
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    "There just HAS to be a better way to keep your torso warm while letting your arms completely freeze to death!" -The inventor of the vest

    • 70
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    Traceylei2DareDarilyndocumentfivecrowspavlova3Toy_Aracheldropebriellejb
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    ChronicAlbertTraceylei2ronitaylorjemsukiSanguine1989lyklegrumpyinnovatorincheperrita
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

    • 45
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    letsgetgizzymy_minivan_lifeJesseWellerFaye_SannabigdaddydballsKylehollyWalterMogwai76laxindave
    • 13
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    mattcozartmichellemeriayronlittletexasbiggafreezliciousgl0bals0j0urner_mr_kellylafix
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Not being Tom Cruise's daughter means never having to say you're Suri.

    • 32
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    je_suis_le_chefKimpulsesSuMacDanreal_adriandahlbeersudsPoorEvelynSquiggleJayjcgreen
    • 24
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    varund7PlantingaBruceje_suis_le_chefAngieComptywaltermastersonjcgreenjeremyswedlundAltarace
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is that tree the coolest hipster band of all time?

    • 25
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    GregDorriskeadourFunnyTweetsterscantedcatimaybeweakannado751NathanMoweryRoseAndCons
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    FunnyTweetstersannado751spielwomannMissMuttooDheeraj_SareenOhTHATJohnDaleyTreyWalkerYLAlice_Giffy
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    September 28, 2012, A day which will live in infamy -- http://t.co/4eZ6RwgR

    • 28
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    YYCBoarderZzzomb1ephilcohenCTIDIAmYourPeopleThatDudeZekeBlondechachalukaswinnsonnyrd
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Pot brownies don't make me paranoid, my cat secretly plotting my death whenever I eat them does.

    • 37
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    • 11
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    DoctorDolesdjbrettsylviaLostlodger1TheKillerChimp__BrownManLiteMiloKilledPunkFourBangerfavstar_pop
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    I'm no psychoanalyst or anything, but I think it's safe to say that whoever is running Obama's campaign was never emailed enough as a child.

    • 17
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    jpscoknuffleboobsBoserHoesNickHGarrisonDrRobertMurphythedealwithalexItsSneakyPeteMCLKT
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    alexkruleknuffleboobsjenyc01maureenhigginsStJocelynSclairelbsmofo313AliLowrey
  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    DNC vs RNC: It's like that moment at a wedding when someone finally wrestles the mic away from your crazy uncle.

    • 26
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    • 13
    • RETWEETS
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Feels like I haven't gotten laid in weeks, which is pretty impressive considering it's actually been years.

    • 25
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    • 9
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    I think I'll be a GREAT dad one day. And probably a really, really shitty one for all the other days.

    • 24
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    • 7
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    The threat "You want a piece of this, asshole?" becomes astronomically more intimidating when the comma is removed.

    • 18
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    • 12
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    My romantic life's really taken off ever since I decided to redefine "romantic life" to include watching Game of Thrones alone with a pizza.

    • 22
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    • 5
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    I'm pretty confident Hitler invented the Nazi salute after being left hanging on one too many high fives.

    • 19
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Sugar? No thanks. I drink my coffee black. Like a MAN. A man who wants to accentuate the lemon zest of his vanilla bean scone.

    • 12
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    • 11
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Seriously, how many successful missions before we admit that perhaps they're not as "Impossible" as Tom Cruise has led us to believe?

    • 19
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    • 4
    • RETWEETS
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Sweatpants -- My resignation letter to the world.

    • 18
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    • 4
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    "In Search of Bigfoot" is a vast improvement to the show's original title -- "Nerds on a Hike".

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    • 8
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  • nealcornell
      Neal Cornell @nealcornell

    Dude at Subway in a "Go Hard or Go Home" t-shirt just ordered low-fat mayo. Guess he's more of a "Go Home" man.

    • 15
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    • 7
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@nealcornell

@nealcornell

I used to work for Modern Family's writing department. Now I work for Chelsea Handler's After Lately. Watch both and shower me with praise(that means you, Dad).