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I can say with great confidence that Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" is by far the greatest song ever written about substitute teaching.
Iowa Caucus is close. But looks like the old rich white guy who spends an uncomfortable amount of time proving he's not a bigot might win.
"There just HAS to be a better way to keep your torso warm while letting your arms completely freeze to death!" -The inventor of the vest
Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.
Not being Tom Cruise's daughter means never having to say you're Suri.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is that tree the coolest hipster band of all time?
Pot brownies don't make me paranoid, my cat secretly plotting my death whenever I eat them does.
I'm no psychoanalyst or anything, but I think it's safe to say that whoever is running Obama's campaign was never emailed enough as a child.
DNC vs RNC: It's like that moment at a wedding when someone finally wrestles the mic away from your crazy uncle.
Feels like I haven't gotten laid in weeks, which is pretty impressive considering it's actually been years.
I think I'll be a GREAT dad one day. And probably a really, really shitty one for all the other days.
The threat "You want a piece of this, asshole?" becomes astronomically more intimidating when the comma is removed.
My romantic life's really taken off ever since I decided to redefine "romantic life" to include watching Game of Thrones alone with a pizza.
I'm pretty confident Hitler invented the Nazi salute after being left hanging on one too many high fives.
Sugar? No thanks. I drink my coffee black. Like a MAN. A man who wants to accentuate the lemon zest of his vanilla bean scone.
Seriously, how many successful missions before we admit that perhaps they're not as "Impossible" as Tom Cruise has led us to believe?
Sweatpants -- My resignation letter to the world.
"In Search of Bigfoot" is a vast improvement to the show's original title -- "Nerds on a Hike".
Dude at Subway in a "Go Hard or Go Home" t-shirt just ordered low-fat mayo. Guess he's more of a "Go Home" man.
I used to work for Modern Family's writing department. Now I work for Chelsea Handler's After Lately. Watch both and shower me with praise(that means you, Dad).