They're going to take Twitter away from us if this is what we keep doing with it

Davis is going to be on that trillion dollar coin

I am the Olive Guardian… you must defeat me in combat if you wish to obtain unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks

Whose job is it to pet all the neighborhood dogs so they don't get sad... I can do that job

#owlfacts all owls have holographic luck symbols on their tummies that appear when you rub them http://t.co/xWPvONXp

Eatin' straight-up pickle slices out the jar. Line forms to the right, ladies

They have found him, the Sk8er Boi foretold by prophecy

It's a pan pizza… and this time, it's personal

girl did u used to be a baby because i think that's really inspiring. u used to be a baby and now ur a strong independent woman

Ugh dang I'm stupid ugh #dang

Schwarzenegger kicks in the door to the illegal dog club. "All dogs go to heaven," he says, raising a rocket launcher. "Right now."

Help Me, Maury! I'm Sleepy!

Dear ex girlfriends. I have a real alive Pegasus. You made the wrong decision