Confession: I drive a tiny car in a futile attempt to compensate for my cavernous vagina.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

I don't need highlighters. I just use a black marker and cross out all the boring shit.

There’s no I in team. But there is a me, a tame, an at, a met, a mate and a mat. Also meat. Your team sounds crazy. Count me out.

I'm writing a book on monkeys. I don't recommend it- monkeys make a terrible writing surface.

Sex tip: If you hold boobs and push them up up down down left right left right B A start, you will receive 30 additional pairs of boobs.

Artists, don't let anyone crush your dreams. If you're a real artist, chances are you're self destructive enough to crush them yourself.

Nothing kills the pain like bowling and whiskey. Except for morphine. Or vicodin. Or codeine. Know what? This tweet was poorly thought out.

Trying to improve these vegan recipes but so far all I've come up with is "add steak." :(

No, you're not an attention whore, I have too much respect to call you that. You're an attention escort.

In real life I'm rewarded for being hard working & pleasant. On Twitter I'm rewarded for being antisocial & implying substance abuse issues.

Female spambots - babe pics. Male spambots - they're an egg. Wtf twitter?! What makes you think we don't want cute guy spambots?

Got a new app- Words w Codependents. Everyone's afraid to move first and if you do move first, the other person secretly resents you for it

Faving is the shame fuck of twitter, only good enough to entertain you. Retweeting is the bragworthy bang, good enough to tell pals about.

I want to see a porn where during the money shot, the guy yells "HADOUKEN!"

#candyheartrejects The bitter disappointment I experience in your presence is still better than being alone.

I'm going to be a successful comedian in 3 years or 4 years or 10 years or maybe not at all. I set achievable goals.

#DepressingChildrensBooks The Little Engine With Erectile Dysfunction

I don't like the expression 'do me a solid.' It sounds like a request for somebody to poop.

America is outraged that Romney'd fire Big Bird, but not his stance on gay or women's rights. GOOD WORK AMERICA.