My inner voice is giving me the silent treatment.

I love following someone that does not follow back. Makes me feel like I’m still married.

Noticed that 80% of my stars are from women. Thanks ladies. Dudes if you don’t start giving out stars I’m going to start dating your sister.

Ok Twitter I am finding it difficult to get any work done with you lurking over my shoulder.

Would like to re-open the discussion that concluded “drinking is not the answer.” I believe new evidence shows it’s the only answer.

Ok who stole my baseball bat? How can I be expected to motivate people without a bat?

The sound of my wife making me a drink in the other room is extremely sexy.

My ex wife was a dirty fighter but unlike Mike Tyson she would never bite your ear off. Nope, she wants you to hear every word.

Yes I’m being inspiration today. I’m way too hung over to be funny. For funny check back after I find my pants and the owner of this goat.

Yes step mother by my star count it does appear I have no talent. By the way how are your sons, still in Jail?

Before marriage
Me: I'm horny
Wife: Do me from behind.
After marriage
Me: I'm horny
Wife: Do the dishes & we can talk

Your voice annoys the hell out of me but your breasts have my attention.

Sunday to-do list; Item 1) Make to do list. Item 2) Take nap. I think that's enough overachieving for the day.

Was on the road. If I change lanes then she changes lanes then me then her then me then her. That’s 4play right?

If work finds performance enhancing drugs in my drug test do you think I will get a raise, maybe a nice performance bonus?

Apparently Miami Beach is taking over for Vegas as the fake breast capital of the World. Not that I noticed, I mean I was there for work.

I’m watching Jurassic Park and this angry T-Rex sure reminds me of my ex-wife. I sure miss the fangs and the screams of the innocent.

You know getting my laundry done did not give me the feeling of fulfillment I was expecting. Maybe a Grey Goose and something will…

If the voices in my head were my personal board of directors I'd fire them all for being incompetent & massive inappropriate behavior.

Promotional consideration for tonight brought to you by an overload of Norepinephrine & Dopamine. Good Times.