Guys, you're not fooling anyone coming out of the bathroom smelling like your wife's fancy lotion.

Of course I like sex jokes. Remember that time when you asked for a threesome and I laughed?

Why send out Xmas cards? I see enough pics of your kids on FB. And, I already know your status and relationship updates. I.don't.care.

My version of wet panties is getting out of the shower and forgetting to dry my bum before putting them on.

I'd feel better about my sense of fashion after leaving Wal-Mart if I didn't see that mess of a loser wearing the shirt I just bought.

Yeah, I'm definitely a straight chick. When I open your topless pics I immediately focus in on the furniture and clutter behind you.

I love having a husband who does the cooking, a TV that does the babysitting, and a conscience that takes long, long naps.

I call my period "Shark Week". It's a bloody feeding frenzy.

I think fish get a bad rap. I doubt they drink that much.

She's a fan of the hand job, because she doesn't give a fuck.

My boys are walking around wearing my husband's shoes. Should I be worried that they stumble less when they're wearing my heels?

It's just not a productive day unless I've given 30 stars and done a handful of RT's.

Thanks to Cosmo, I know 3725 ways to please the man I don't care to please.

Thanks twitter for the encouragement. My mommy group didn't give me any stars for explaining bukkake, donkey punch, or felching.

My poor husband. I can't cook, can't sew, don't clean my house myself, and am laid-off, but guess what I can do... That's right! Type fast.

I happen to like the 'Don't ask. Don't tell." policy. My husband doesn't ask about my affairs, and I don't tell him.

Let's just admit that there is a market for sex toys that look like shower heads.

Time to post a status update on FB about how much I love my kids and husband so I don't get kicked out of my Mommy group.

My 4yr old said today "You're a really, really old mommy, but it's okay because I love you."

Today is the kind of day where I have an anxiety attack if we come to a four way stop at the same time.