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  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Guys, you're not fooling anyone coming out of the bathroom smelling like your wife's fancy lotion.

    • 209
    • FAVS
    LaffingGUYJessOnCrackTheReal_AndyMacMrStitchless______SoLongStephenFredPollackTheMedia411OtisPdQ
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    MrStitchless_______correctomundofavstar1000favsFavstar500FavsdulcetryGonnaBlowshanethevein
    llvvzzzSet_Menu
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Of course I like sex jokes. Remember that time when you asked for a threesome and I laughed?

    • 166
    • FAVS
    mayyyyusLaffingGUYCseashellsSoLongStephenFredPollackOtisPdQtoojongjacobc
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    mayyyyusGoGoTaggMsSugarTitsSpiderogertinkara_PlastikMonsterfavstar1000favsStephenBCramer
    JAdams111________
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Why send out Xmas cards? I see enough pics of your kids on FB. And, I already know your status and relationship updates. I.don't.care.

    • 118
    • FAVS
    SoLongStephenFredPollackOtisPdQmessicakes_________Mae_Day_________jacobcMDSkiffer________MelAlmighty
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    GoGoTaggtgemilyfavstar1000favsFavstar500FavsMaggiDearDavidsAlterEgo
    DavidsAlterEgo
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    My version of wet panties is getting out of the shower and forgetting to dry my bum before putting them on.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    FredPollackSoLongStephenOtisPdQispypandapixelpiperIamPosey__________AngelaHelgaKazLightYearz
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    I'd feel better about my sense of fashion after leaving Wal-Mart if I didn't see that mess of a loser wearing the shirt I just bought.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    CseashellsFredPollackOtisPdQtoojongMDSkiffer________GoGoTaggispypandapixelpiper
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favskushsoul
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Yeah, I'm definitely a straight chick. When I open your topless pics I immediately focus in on the furniture and clutter behind you.

    • 87
    • FAVS
    FredPollackOtisPdQCseashellsmessicakes________toojongispypandaWeethyKickypixelpiper
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    mayyyyusCtotheASSTimIAmTooFavstar500FavsLovemymartini____JustSusan13______Exodus_1831AUTOTWOT
    CtotheASS
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    I love having a husband who does the cooking, a TV that does the babysitting, and a conscience that takes long, long naps.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQmessicakes________ispypandaIamPosey__________ChristinaStuffKazLightYearzSpiderogerjimmykinkade
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    YeezeusFavstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    I call my period "Shark Week". It's a bloody feeding frenzy.

    • 74
    • FAVS
    VamoNessa09OtisPdQispypandaIamPosey__________KazLightYearzSpiderogerjimmykinkadeSet_Menu
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    OtisPdQFavstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    I think fish get a bad rap. I doubt they drink that much.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQmessicakes________BigBBanterIamPosey__________SpiderogerSet_MenuGabeKawczynskiBigMedwards
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    She's a fan of the hand job, because she doesn't give a fuck.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQtoojongIamPosey__________KazLightYearzSpiderogerSet_MenuBigMedwardsDavidsAlterEgo
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    SpiderogerFavstar500Favskushsoul
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    My boys are walking around wearing my husband's shoes. Should I be worried that they stumble less when they're wearing my heels?

    • 66
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQBigBBanterIamPosey__________SpiderogerSet_MenuGabeKawczynskiDavidsAlterEgoMaggiDear
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsGinaRitter
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    It's just not a productive day unless I've given 30 stars and done a handful of RT's.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQIamPosey__________SpiderogerSet_MenuGabeKawczynskiMaggiDearUnattainablyMEkickstartmeup
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Thanks to Cosmo, I know 3725 ways to please the man I don't care to please.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    The_DorksterOtisPdQmessicakes________IamPosey__________ChristinaStuffSpiderogerSet_MenuDavidsAlterEgo
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    OtisPdQFavstar500FavsDizzyBumpkinPyrBliss
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Thanks twitter for the encouragement. My mommy group didn't give me any stars for explaining bukkake, donkey punch, or felching.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQIamPosey__________WeethyKickyChristinaStuffSpiderogerSet_MenuBigMedwardsDavidsAlterEgo
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsPlatinumShower____
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    My poor husband. I can't cook, can't sew, don't clean my house myself, and am laid-off, but guess what I can do... That's right! Type fast.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQmessicakes________IamPosey__________Set_MenuGabeKawczynskiDavidsAlterEgoMaggiDearSeanBlazed
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsStephenBCramerfavstar_popi1dazedbeingtheo________SRQ2U
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    I happen to like the 'Don't ask. Don't tell." policy. My husband doesn't ask about my affairs, and I don't tell him.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQIamPosey__________SpiderogerSet_MenuDavidsAlterEgoradioman_MaggiDearUnattainablyME
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Let's just admit that there is a market for sex toys that look like shower heads.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQtoojongSpiderogerSet_MenuDavidsAlterEgoMaggiDearVirgoSherryblurryfoto
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsExodus_1831
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Time to post a status update on FB about how much I love my kids and husband so I don't get kicked out of my Mommy group.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQmessicakes________ChristinaStuffSet_MenuGabeKawczynskiCasperVatikakiLilyTrailBigMedwards
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    My 4yr old said today "You're a really, really old mommy, but it's okay because I love you."

    • 55
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQalegrefIamPosey__________SpiderogerSet_MenubontravoltaGabeKawczynskiDavidsAlterEgo
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    msred1973Favstar500Favs
  • newbiemom
      Cristina @newbiemom

    Today is the kind of day where I have an anxiety attack if we come to a four way stop at the same time.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    OtisPdQtherealKaitlynPpixelpiperIamPosey__________ChristinaStuffSpiderogerSet_MenuGabeKawczynski
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
@newbiemom

@newbiemom

I'm a teacher with a husband and two kids. I run. I read. I drink. I sing like a banshee.