Met with a troubled friend. I sat quietly, compassionately nodding, wondering when I could ask “Are you going to eat your pastry?"

Heard teen tell her friend I'm a dictator. If she really believed that she would have checked for wiretaps before saying that.

You know, fairy tales should come with a warning label: Handsome prince may eventually start acting like a toad again.

I get "I loved the tweet!"dms from ppl, but no star...a trend dating to 1st grade when Billy said he loved me & gave his Valentine to Cathy.

A stranger asked me such a stupid question, I actually laughed in her face. Laughed! I sometimes forgot they can see you IRL.

If you poured the rest of your hot drink on a motivational guru, wonder if they’d still care whether it was half full or half empty?

When teen started beating me at games, I rigged them so I win. Parents do things like this, so their kids learn valuable lessons.

If someone unfollows you on twitter, is it ok to unfollow back... what about not sending her a Mother's Day card next year?

Found a ski mask under his pillow. Guess I should give in and turn up the heat or maybe start sleeping with one eye open.

Sometimes I'll really look at a person and wonder ‘was their life tragic, why are they like this?’ Then I go back to tweeting about them.

Teen just muttered “witch” under her breath. Guess I’ll magically change that ‘w’ into a 'b' and summon up more chores for her.

Cleaned cat's bowl; filled it with his food, added cereal & poured milk. Then I started eating. I truly just did this & I truly need sleep.

Woman told me her husband had suffered a stroke & was now a retard- in front of him! Found out he was retired. I need a Southern dictionary.

"Parents Lie to Children Surprisingly Often" Obviously not written by a parent, because what parent would put 'Surprisingly' in the title.

Anyone else think that maybe the Rapture happened and everyone is up there twittering happily while we're down here with the Fail Whale?

My mother got her wish. No, I didn’t get a teen who acts just like I did. I got a teen who acts just like my mother.

17th anniversary cuddling, loving looks as I stroke his furry chest. I love my cat, but I'd rather my husband be here for the next part.

I drew a button on my phone to push when teen’s arguing with me. Told her it's a calming influence. She doesn't know it says 'unfollow'.

My humiliation isn’t so much from finding out I’ve been following pornbots, it's that they weren't following me back.

Twitter gurus say tweeting about what you eat is a boring no-no, but I’ve found if it’s during a sex act…then it's “favrd”.