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My daughter has finally stopped asking for juice. She knows the answer will always be, "No, no....thats Mommy's mixer. You know that."
When I hear commercials say "follow us on twitter" I get so confused. As in OUR Twitter? Is Subway a lonely drunken pornbot now?
My 2yo son just picked up a coaster & tried to eat it like a cracker so it looks like ITT Technical Institute is gonna be more his thing.
This 'waving my phone in the air to get wifi signal while laying on the couch eating chips' exercise is the best upper body workout ever.
My husband's real birthday present is this third round of margaritas I'm having...
My 4yo: You must be thirsty, thats why you drink wine a lot, right? Me: Yes honey. Mommys get very thirsty. Someday you'll get thirsty too.
Rumor has it my kids are on their best behavior when I'm in the bathroom chugging wine and tweeting in peace.
My favorite thing about toddlers is when they learn a new word and repeat it as loud as they can 965 billion times a day.
Had no idea there were so many hilarious crazies out here on Twitter. A new underworld just invited me in and I feel right at home.
I'm the worst at being on time but I'm the best at being late, so it all evens out.
I want the confidence of a large, middle aged black woman for a day so I can dress in bright orange from head to toe & still be respected.
If I posted a boob pic chances are you guys would confuse me for a 13yo boy, soooooo, no.
If you don't blow raspberries on your baby's belly during a diaper change, you're doing this whole parenting thing wrong.
"You said after your shower you'd make us breakfast but you're just laying down and we're really hungry. Are you even a good mom?" -my spawn
Eavsdropping on strangers conversations & accurately judging them in under 5 seconds flat counts as "people skills" right?
Sitting here deciding how many miniature Snickers I can eat that'd add up to the full size bar. Its gotta be at least 578, right? K, thanks.
I may not have the abs of my 20s anymore but my 2 c-section scars trump your shallow judgment, so yeah, its a bikini.
Fact: If your teething toddler is finally sleeping, the floor instantly becomes 195% squeakier.
Getting to know me is really not necessary.
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