@nicedream's most faved Tweets...
My wife likes to spell out words when she doesn't want our daughter to understand. She doesn't know I don't understand either.
Friends and Family: please don't believe my wife's Facebook page. We did not have fun singing songs and decorating the gingerbread house.
People are always complimenting my daughter on how smart she is for her age, but they don't know she likes drinking her bath water.
Sometimes I like to phrase sentences awkwardly to my heterosexual male colleagues, like "when can I see you again?"
One of these days I will have to fight a dwarf in a mall elevator because my daughter can't keep her mouth shut.
My wife has been awful nice to me these last couple of days. Maybe she has finalized her plot to kill me.
This might be a new stage in my life. I've stopped blaming my parents for all of my complexes and now I think it's my daughter's fault.
I have been fighting the good-at-math Asian stereotype for so long, I forget I can add small numbers without a calculator.
I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.
The downside to being a father of a little girl is absent-mindedly answering the door in pigtails, barrettes, and a small floral apron.
The eventuality of my daughter muttering "dumbass" as she walks away from me at 3 years old was never considered.
My daughter has made it clear who her favorite parent is and now she has a favorite set of grandparents. I can only assume she is racist.
People probably hate atheists because they have to say things like "good luck with your chemotherapy."
In 14 days and 9 hours, I will fake my own disappearance. At exactly the same time, my in-laws will need to be picked up at the airport.
Playing dodgeball with a toddler who can't throw and do not grasp the concept of dodging is surprisingly enjoyable.
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