A resurrection negates a sacrifice.

By now, my wife should just assume I'm sorry.

My problem with spring is flower blossoms falling and getting tangled in my hair and unknowingly looking pretty all morning.

Not to be racist, but I hate people.

The next white person I meet, I'm telling them how I once had a friend who was white.

Kids in the Third World have the coolest vintage graphic t-shirts.

Crackheads arguing in French is not scary at all.

Nothing sadder than a woman carrying a large three ring binder labeled "COUPONS" in the cookie aisle.

You haven’t lived until you have taken your life for granted.

My daughter thinks I am related to other Asian people.

I always look forward to romanticizing the memories I am currently making.

Some men are mistaken for breaking and entering their own house. I am mistaken for a waiter at the Thai restaurants.

I think we have enough of everything.

Superheroes always meet the sexiest astrophysicists.

My daughter will someday tell her own child how she had to wait 1 minute for Netflix to start up before she could select a cartoon to watch.

According to my in-laws, I am only a part of this family because of affirmative action.

Some fathers beat their children; I fall asleep in my hiding place while playing hide-n-seek.

Let's all play a never-ending game of Charades with only the word 'happiness.'

People who talk a lot must inadvertently convince themselves of many things.

When I see an Asian woman with a white man, I mutter, "sell out," to my white wife.