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It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Hey twitter, thanks for breaking that awful book addiction I used to have.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels.
Considering "natural" childbirth?
You wouldn't have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Guys, we appreciate how you hold out til we get there, too, but you do know that on Bj's you can just hurry it right the fuck along, right?
Soulmate? Yeah, I've met my soulmate. Vodka and silence.
Dear ppl w/ 40 followers who unfollow cuz of my RTs:
You aren't fucking ready for twitter.
You're sentenced to 6 more months of fb.
My 8yo's looking for a summer job. He's a pretty decent bartender if anyone's hiring.
I can't believe we all survived grade school what with the rampant peanuts and the not having our own motherfucking goddamn waterbottles.
Fucking kids these days! Such pussies.
Easy-E woulda butt-raped Kanye and the Lost Boys woulda skull-fucked those Twilight bitches.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
You say your TL is boring??
Follow more people, dumbass!
Mine is like a coked-up carnie on Ninja Warrior at this point.
It's fucking exhausting when my kids have their friends over and I have to act like I'm a good parent.
Honestly PreK! You do *not* have to send home every scrap of paper my kid has ever touched with a crayon. He's clearly not Picasso.
Why don't people just wear robes when going clothes shopping? It'd be so much more efficient.
Let's make this happen. I'll start.
"Are you fucking retarded?" is probably something I should stop asking my kids.
There are some faces only a mother could love.
Example: 3D ultrasound images of your baby.
Keep those demon monkey pics to yourself, girl.
I think I love teenage breakup tweets the best of all.
I'll followback as much as the next girl, but you really put me in a pickle when your avi appears to be a fuzzy shot of your asshole.
School supplies for 3 kids.
3 stores, 2.5 hrs, $280.86
(Before backpacks, clothes, sports, etc.)
Take your birth control, girls.
Inappropriate Mom of 4. I make shit. Usually messes, but sometimes art. I follow funny and I won't DM fuck you. I've got my fucking hands full over here.