What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan's body and she's the one ruining her reputation.

19 days until we all die. Who wants to make out.

I'm not saying I'm Beyoncé. I'm just saying there's a reason that you've never seen me and Beyoncé in the same room.

There are teenagers who have unprotected sex but have a case for their iphone.
Just let that sink in.

The real American dream is to look good naked.

Does Tanis know that his Spotify favorites show up on my newsfeed. pic.twitter.com/sPbTeULq

Remember back in like 5th grade when everyone vowed they would never do drugs.

Did the Mayans consider time zones. How is this going to work.

Building an ark. Hit me up if you need a lift. Please bring two animals of opposite genders. Thanks.

If you're straight, maybe just don't marry someone with the same junk in their undies and move on with your day. Idk, just a suggestion.

Marriage is a human right, not a heterosexual privilege. #BeOnTheRightSideOfHistory #PassProp8

I want "Drop it like it’s hot" to be playing when they lower my casket into the ground at my funeral.

The problem with Les Miserables is you can say it wrong and sound like a douche or you can say it right and sound like a douche.

YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Project Chuck always made me feel like high school was just going to be kids chasing me down dark allies screaming "SMOKE THIS MARIJUANA"

I think Pitbull just bursts into the studio when someone's recording and shouts “Mr. Worldwide” and shit in Spanish then runs away.

Plot Twist: Exams are cancelled because the government realized that they are actually just marking your memory and not your intelligence.

To whoever drives the super nice black Honda in the parking lot, Riley Wortley just hit it. #FYI

Call me old fashioned, but I wait until after the third time we’ve had sex before I’ll let you take me out to dinner.

I have looked into the face of God and her name is Beyoncé.