@chelseavperetti I am white.

"I'll be a loan forever!" - the money I borrowed to pay for college, knowing it will never be paid back.

When a diabetic intentionally drinks too much apple juice, it's classified as a suicider.

The day I stop taking Twitter so seriously is the day I'll start accomplishing things, I said in a tweet.

Straight up amateur hour if you don't have a hair and makeup team for your snapchatting.

*reads on facebook that it's nice outside* *checks weather online* *doesn't go outside*

Let's tear down that phallus-shaped football statue outside Camp Randall and put it in Bielema's front lawn. #revengewillbeours

Got a Word Doc open with my name and date on it so I'm practically done with this paper.

College is the time to discover what it is you want to waste the rest of your life doing.

The delight of having nothing painful to forget is often accompanied by the curse of having nothing pleasant to remember.

6. @nicholaspatriot asks out of the game after two minutes, then live tweets the whole dang thing.

hey bro, would you do me a huge solid and take a picture of me for my LinkedIn profile

@boom_roasted3 and in avoiding eye contact in the twitter hallways.

Estamos nunca, nunca, nunca, getting back together. #spanglishtaylorswift #better #masbueno

The most DJing I can do is moving my finger on and off my phone's speaker.

Hey bro I'm gonna be late to the club. Washed my jeans for the first time in 3 months and gotta do deep knee bends to stretch em back out.

Drake me up, before you YOLO.

Bravo to the person picking the music interludes for tonight's Pacers-Knicks game on ABC. You're doing it right.

Tell me there's anything scarier than watching a toilet overflow and I'll tell you you're wrong.

"May the breast of your todays be the wurst of your tomorrows." - restaurant that alternates serving chicken and sausage?