I like people on twitter way more than real people.

Me and my Ex decided a while back we didn't want to run into each other so we split up our fav places. I got the internet. She got the rest.

I had a half muffin in the break room too, guys. Except instead of muffin it was cold pizza and instead of break room it was shower.

The logistics of drinking beer in the shower are more complicated than previously assumed.

I think I'm going to say hello to the class I'm teaching by saying well hello, young minds, it's nice to mold you. Just to creep them out.

What am I looking for in a mate? A female hotter version of me with boobs.

I taught a class today already and I am about to teach another. I don't know why they trust me with these kids, I am an idiot.

What kind of bi racial couple makes an orange kid? I just saw a girl that looks like a damn carrot.

I'm enjoying the last meal before I go on what I call the poverty diet.

Whenever I wake up I feel more tired than when I went to bed. At this rate in 17 days I will wake up in a coma.

If I ever want to see a naked woman again in my life, I think I have to clean my room. Where did I put her?

My sister has been giving me shit for months about how her girlfriend is hotter than any one I've ever had. I'm laughcrying cause it's true.

I saw my neighbor naked last night by accident. I think the best way to let it all blow over is text her and say "nice boobs".

Pro tip: If you are attracted to someone you shouldn't be, picture them pooping.

Friends with Benefits is a disgusting, horrible practice I wish I could be a part of.

Being an adult is really fucking up my life.

I just ate a microwave burrito that was absolutely terrible. I ate the whole thing.

I put myself in impossible situations, cause that is the only way I get fucked anymore.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless he is a dick.

So I painted and fixed a door today. While I did it I drank and smoked. I am man. Hear me paint. It sounds like noting but its intricate.