"Excuse me Sir,
Can you please beat me up? Oh, I'd also like you to sweat on me... And only wear your underwears." - MMA Fighters

"I'm pretty stoked Michael Bay didn't get directing rights to my works." - J.R.R. Tolkien chatting with God

I look like Gollum with his fish when I protect my iPhone from the rain.

Girls love french fries. But only if they didn't order them.

I'm inventing a gym where you can also do your laundry. It's called "Shit I Hate".

Our moms didn't have facebook, they just did mom stuff without bragging & complaining about it.

Scarlett Johansson is still trying to explain to Paris & Kim that it wasn't a "strategic career move".

(ring ring)
Tim Burton: "Hey Johnny Depp."
Johnny Depp: "Sure. I'll do it."

"Who the fuck clicks on banner ads?" - my 1st question to God

"Hi Dex, you want the usual? 100 yards of plastic sheeting?" - Home Depot employee greeting Dexter as he walks in

ITT Tech "Education for the Future" (yeah, if the future is a place where we need to fix things from 1987)

This is the most intense episode of Whitney... @chrisdelia @whitneycummings http://t.co/vkqKrngg

The Goblin King in #TheHobbit movie is what I'd imagine Rosie O'Donnell is like after a couple jäger shots.

Lindsay Lohan Playboy Photo Leaked! http://t.co/ICeXcWE5

"POW! POW! Whoaaaa, hold up. Seriously, time out." - Superman sharting mid fight

One huge benefit of being Superman, is that you can totally hover a half inch above any public toilet seat.

Is Pink still writing songs about how much she hates guys but totally isn't a lesbian?

Rick Ross loves to repeat lines in his songs in a whisper tone. He sounds super fat when he does it.

Please RT if you like tacos more than being on fire.

Sometimes right before I enter a woman's vagina (sex), I like to whisper "I can't believe you're actually letting this happen. So cool."