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adobe acrobat needs to chill the fuck out.
If you're the parent of twin boys and you didn't name them Tango and Cash, you have made a huge mistake.
If I were black, I'd be less pissed about the whole slavery thing and more pissed that band-aids don't come in my color.
Thought I saw Taylor Swift at the beach today, but turns out it was just a baby pelican perched on top of a surfboard.
If you count a little kid on another kid's shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends
In case you missed it, the weather in L.A today was 80 degrees, with clear skies and scattered pale winter back fat.
If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.
Just realized my idea of success as a parent is my kids hating me without hating themselves.
SO I'M OUTSIDE ON YOUR PORCH AND YOU THINK I'M A SKUNNNK
NO (some) FAT CHICKS
Renee Zellweger always looks like she’s trying to figure out the ending of Donnie Darko.
I do all my own stunts *trips up stairs hits chin on floor*
Not many people know this, but once you turn 55, you’re legally obligated to write an online review of any product that frustrates you.
The LAPD obviously hasn't read The Rules, or they'd know that you should never pursue a man.
Ru a baby cat bc u gotta be kitten me
This is perfect weather for riding the coin-operated horse at Walmart while eating a bag of shredded mozzarella and screaming Rush lyrics.
Before online porn we had to each pick Chun-Li on Street Fighter & make them kick close to each other so it looked like they were scissoring