Anytime I start feeling bad about myself.....I go to Home Depot and walk around braless.

Saw some kids playing in their driveway with a plunger if you're wondering how far south I live.

My vagina is no longer a member of the Hairclub for Men.

Nikon is japanese for "Ashton Kutcher is a douche"

FYI: Moms like to fuck too!

I love Bikini weather but it makes it that much more difficult to hide my enormous set of balls.

Being a mom, you learn to masturbate with Spongebob playing in the background.

I lost my virginity to Wilford Brimley....It was my sweet pussy that gave him diabetes.

I REALLY want to reply "I call bullshit" on all the inspirational and religious tweets.

Attn married people: you must understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Oh.....But the sex is much better.

I'm pretty sure that organic means "smells like a fart"

Here in the deep south we use Skoal as lube.

I almost felt insecure there for a second but then I remembered how hot I am.

If you don't need to wear a bib when you're eating pussy then you're doing it all wrong.

42 is the new 20....well at least that's what I say when I cry myself to sleep every night.

I'm old enough to remember pubes.

Push up Bras....keeping Cougars in the game since 2001.

The Cougar in me killed and gutted my Daddy issues a long time ago.

This guy just gave me a limp dick handshake.... So I killed him and threw his body in the woods... Mercy killing.

Just so you know.... I win... I have a vagina... I will ALWAYS win.