My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one

Heck is where you go if you don't believe in Gosh

Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down

I know drugs are better than hugs cause I never drove 40 miles at two in the morning to ask a guy named Javier to wrap his arms around me

Forget world peace, let's all just try to use our god damn turn signals

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired

If schizophrenics wore a bluetooth they wouldn't look so crazy

How much weed do I have to give this potato before its baked?

I bet you I could quit gambling

You can't say fuck or shit on TV but they can show a cartoon bear with toilet paper stuck to its ass, what's up with that?

My neighbor's cat is so cute he's been planking in the middle of the street for like two days now

If you say "I'll rectify the situation" I just assume you're gonna butt rape that guy from Jersey Shore

Nobody gives a fuck less than the guy that wears shorts over his sweat pants

I masturbate almost as much as Adobe updates

Pump up the Valium - a witty pharmacist

You should feel safe in a gas station bathroom because if anyone fucks with you just beat them to death with whatever is hooked to the key

I stopped taking my shirt off in public because I was tired of protesters throwing red paint on me

I won't go down in history but I'll go down on your sister

I'm hobophobic - scared of bums

Dear chickens, first we're gonna eat your unborn children then we're gonna eat you