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My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
Heck is where you go if you don't believe in Gosh
Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
I know drugs are better than hugs cause I never drove 40 miles at two in the morning to ask a guy named Javier to wrap his arms around me
Forget world peace, let's all just try to use our god damn turn signals
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired
If schizophrenics wore a bluetooth they wouldn't look so crazy
How much weed do I have to give this potato before its baked?
I bet you I could quit gambling
You can't say fuck or shit on TV but they can show a cartoon bear with toilet paper stuck to its ass, what's up with that?
My neighbor's cat is so cute he's been planking in the middle of the street for like two days now
Nobody gives a fuck less than the guy that wears shorts over his sweat pants
If you say "I'll rectify the situation" I just assume you're gonna butt rape that guy from Jersey Shore
I masturbate almost as much as Adobe updates
Pump up the Valium - a witty pharmacist
I stopped taking my shirt off in public because I was tired of protesters throwing red paint on me
You should feel safe in a gas station bathroom because if anyone fucks with you just beat them to death with whatever is hooked to the key
I won't go down in history but I'll go down on your sister
I'm hobophobic - scared of bums
Dear chickens, first we're gonna eat your unborn children then we're gonna eat you