My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one

Every time I go through the airport metal detector I set it off with my buns of steel, so embarrassing

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired

If you love something don't let it go, try to fuck it

Heck is where you go if you don't believe in Gosh

Forget world peace, let's all just try to use our god damn turn signals

Taiwan is my made in name

Who me? Oh not much just friending all my old ex girlfriends on Facebook

Dear chickens, first we're gonna eat your unborn children then we're gonna eat you

Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down

Corn maze? Isn't that a little redundant?

How many wishes will a Diaper Genie grant you?

I know drugs are better than hugs cause I never drove 40 miles at two in the morning to ask a guy named Javier to wrap his arms around me

When I'm tossing salad I wear a bib with a picture of a donkey on it

Did Columbus discover Canada too?

Can't prove it yet but I suspect that this cashier doesn't actually care if I have a good day or not

I'm painting my fingernails so I don't feel like a homo when I jerk off

My resume is just a picture of butt cheeks all clenched up

Do you have any idea how much a ten foot pole weighs?

Somebody should tweet something funny, that would be good