lambs are so cute especially with bbq sauce

Parking inspector told me to validate my parking ticket, so I said to it 'parking ticket, you are beautiful'. still got fined.

PUTTING ON OVEN MITTENS AND SIDLING AROUND THE HOUSE LIKE A CRAB IS THE ONLY THING I LOOK FORWARD TO MOST WHEN BAKING BAKED GOODS

dear supporters of the theory that if women get pregnant from a rape it is god's will, if I kick you in the dick, that is also god's will.

seriously if you guys don't star me more often, i'm going to track down each of you individually and moon you

Dearest people who always say 'there's an app for that'. Please stop. There's a slap for that.

There are white people working at Mad Mex and I have yet to hear a mad mexican complain that we are stealing their jobs.

40% off lingerie and your self esteem #christmassales

'Gay people shouldn't be allowed December 31st, because it's New Year's Eve NOT New Year's Steve.' - homophobes

Dropped oreo crumbs all over my phone & while I licked them off the touch screen loged me out of FB cos that behavior doesnt deserve friends

GUYS! Melbourne people! Friends! Family! Aliens! I'm doing this! Please come! Tomorrow! Exclamation mark!  http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2013/season/shows/fanfiction-comedy …

I'm so addicted to Japanese porn that sometimes i wear other people's glasses during sex so that our genitals look blurry.

Thought Speed was gonna be about drugs really depressed cause it was about some bus or whateva thanks a bunch sandra bullfrog.

Going clubbing tonight. The invite says 'wear something tight' so I'm probably just gonna wear my vagina

There's no placeopathy like homeopathy

types of showers from best to worst: water, baby, golden, meteor.

Haystacks. Do you think horses call them haysnacks? Cos that's what I call Doritos. I also sleep standing up in a dark room full of Doritos.

I only cook with extra slutty olive oil for a bolder flavour

The Baroque period is too hot to Handel!

UTS SYDNEY jumpers are kinda strange seeing as they stand for 'University of Technology Sydney SYDNEY'