Much like the Deathstar, many of us are not yet fully operational but have a strong defense system.

I wish there was a trader joes right near my face right now.

I think there is a Daft Punk song stuck in my ceiling fan.

My cat offered to grow a beard, make me laugh really hard and favorite my tweets. It was a nice offer. Just not the same.

Even after a fire and a remodel, the ASU memorial union still smells like it always did: cheese and sexual tension.

"What are you gonna do with a Liberal Arts degree?" "I don't know, be your boss." @hotdogsladies at #phxwc @asuclas

White house rush orders a new banner that says "For realizes."

Attention deficit HILARIOUS disorder!

Take things metaphorically. LITERALLY.

There is nothing sexy about the word ointment.

My cats get confused when I'm not wearing pants.

OH: "i like my women borderline stabby"

Somehow I've been watching this Toddlers & Tiaras show. One 3 yr old girl really likes beef jerky and cheese dip, she is my favorite.

I've invented a new kind of logic where my opinion trumps any kind of careful planning or thought or data.

I used to think FTW was WTF backwards, and it was much funnier then.

I do not know where the Pinta and the Santa Maria are. Please stop asking.

“We’ve done the market research, monocles are where the future is at.” #torchphx

There is a sad lonely puppy downstairs. SAD LONELY PUPPY, IT WILL BE OKAY. Hopefully he reads nearby tweets.

Comic sans means fun, guys. FUN.

Quiet wars with myself every single morning.