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If calling my guitar an axe impresses a girl I`ve brought home from the bar,I can probably skip quoting Nietzsche and get right to the anal.
Whenever I see a car with a mattress tied to the roof I think there goes an ambitious prostitute.
I`ve been masturbating all day with anti-aging cream.Now I`m hung like a newborn.
If you can make someone laugh at the moment they're crying,you can probably feel you've inexplicably absorbed their pain.Thats my religion.
I try and make up for my lack of social norms and awkwardness by wearing a cape.
I dont trust people that work 9-5.They seem shifty.
What do nudists do on casual fridays? Walk slower?
My son struggles in english class.I told him to try and express himself more colourfully.He painted his face and told me to fuck off.
I could care less about validating my tweets.I'm too busy conducting a survey.By a show of stars,who here enjoys a good fuck?
I never go to strip clubs. If I want to see a girl who won't have sex with me and is just there for the money, I'll stay home with the wife.
My smartphone corrected "saving myself for marriage" to "waiting to meet someone who'll do me".
I stick a flower up my ass every night when going to sleep.You know,in case aliens abduct me,I think it would be a friendly gesture.
I'm not saying I'm an asshole but if I exercised my body as much as my freedom of speech I'd be smacking around a lot of fucking idiots.
I'm not saying I masturbate too much but my dick gets jealous giving someone a high five.
I'm so old I can remember when there was no internet or fleshlights and we had to walk 10 miles to stick our dicks in a vagina and liked it!
I just had my cake and ate it too. Your move mother fucker.
Cowgirls are the most susceptible to reverse psychology.
My train of thought is a pretty short ride but there's usually nudity and an open bar so I can live with that.
I would live in the land of milk and honey,but I`m diabetic and lactose
The only thing back in school that ever prepared me for real life was detention.