My grandma always used to say, "if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life."


And I love smoking pot.

The reason J.C. Penney can't just adopt Apple's retail strategy and think it'll work, in four words: Apple has great products.

Clove cigarettes taste deliciously like Christmas. But then the next day your mouth tastes like old man.

Again, just like Christmas.

@hotdogsladies "There are men in this city who labor dawn after dawn/To sell me my death." —James Wright.

Who has two thumbs and herpes? You! Wait, that's not how it goes. This is the worst Valentine's Day card ever.

I want to open a tattoo parlor across from a stripclub; just for cross-promotion. The "tit-for-tat" program practically sells itself.

Smile, and the world smiles with you. Drink, and the world runs up a tab and says they'll pay you back.

Is Wes Anderson just the white person’s Tyler Perry?

Queefer madness.

I like my women how I like my formulaic jokes: predictable.

Ah, I see that this restaurant is offering "Death by Chocolate." I've seen that porno.

This year, I resolve to stop tweeting meta jokes about holidays.

I'm going meta-meta from now on.

I STILL have trouble telling black people apart even after we elected Bill Cosby president.

So my plans for a Batman porno aren't progressing as I would hope, but I still think "Commissioner Hardon" is a great name.

In France, you have to ask if the carpet matches the drapes AND the duvet.









The duvet is armpit hair.

Most apartments don't include naked photos of your landlord on the wall, right?

I loathe myself, but I'm not IN loathe with myself.

Unlke my cousin, I don't take off all my clothes and run around screaming when I'm upset. Unless it's a special occasion, of course.

That's a crazy amount of oil, emirite?

Hey guys Scotland is awesome! Everyone wears a kilt and they all talk like Mike Meyers in Shrek!