Since I haven't yet found my "The One", sometimes I wonder what my future wife is doing now.. I wonder more about WHO she's doing now..

Do not argue with an idiot, they will lower you to their level and then try to beat you with experience.

the only date ive had in a year is the kind that grows on trees.

favstar started following me! is this it?? can i cum now?!?

Ppl who know the 'real' me are following me.. Fake account time!

If humans were asexual and had babies by #masturbating.. I'd have an army by now..

Give a man a fish, He'll eat for a day
Teach his Pokemon Surf and the fish find him instead.

I'm following all the right people. Too bad for me but none of the right people follow me...

did you know that pigs have 30 minute orgasms..? that is probably WHY bacon is so damn delicious..

why does the bible skip over the fact that the grandkids of adam and eve were born out of incest?

Love thy neighbour as you love thyself. Aka. Go over and give him a handjob everytime you #masturbate or every 2 hours, whichever is longer.

Sex is the only sport (yes I consider sex to be a sport, what?) where guys can only win by cuming last

why did the chicken cross the road? to check if the egg got there first

Taking a break from Tweeting. Today I will only star n retweet your funnies. So here's the mic.. Entertain us...

A waiter you can bribe to spit in someone elses food probably already spit in yours.

hapily ever after = long and fulfilling life
happy ending = died a quick death while in the honeymoon period of their relationship

Just found your girlfriend masturbating.. (Good) ..with my penis.. (Better) ..in her ass.. (Best)

Can u believe I used the quote 'w great power comes great responsibility' on my exam. I quoted spiderman on my final year business exam..

What say I put up a boob avi for a week and see how many followers I get. THEN change it back n @ reply them perverts for ur sake

Wondering how big of a copyright patent Microsoft had that forced the left hand side window buttons on mac windows..