If they hadn't turned those S's into lightning bolts, Kiss might have been a stupid band name.

In heaven everybody kickflips.

Now what do we talk about? I call dragons.

Just made a mountain out of a mole hill and the villagers are bowing at my feet and showering me with gifts. Wrong again, grandma.

I'm in dire need of some Back & Chest & Arms. I'm talking to you Head & Shoulders scientists.

You'd appreciate this tweet way more if you could see how handsome I am.

Looking for a nice girl who wears funky clothes and can kickflip.

What is it with people in authority that they're the only ones who ever have a problem with when and where I set up a pancake station?

When someone tells me I can't have my cake and eat it too, I laugh and laugh and eat my cake as I caress the other cake hidden in my pocket.

We need to PROCEED CAUTIOUSLY with this gay marriage thing. Don't forget that's how the centaurs and unicorns died off.

*doesn't know what people in buildings do*

Our greatest missed opportunity is that the WWF creatures and WWF wrestlers didn't decide who gets to keep the name by having a cage match.

Increased my followers by 64.397% today. Thanks you two! #selfeffacingmathjokesusingthenumbertwo

Is a fox a dog or a cat?

Donkeys are the same thing as horses. It's just that they're Mexican.

Had a bacon cheeseburger, apple pie, and 3 Budweisers for lunch today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to a NASCAR race and give birth to bald eagle.

When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Sade (pronounced Ralph Fiennes ((Ralf Fee-enez))).

My tartar sauce is in a storage locker in Daly City. What do I do?

turtle boobs

When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Rambo II, after my old dog, Rambo II.