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If they hadn't turned those S's into lightning bolts, Kiss might have been a stupid band name.
In heaven everybody kickflips.
Now what do we talk about? I call dragons.
Just made a mountain out of a mole hill and the villagers are bowing at my feet and showering me with gifts. Wrong again, grandma.
I'm in dire need of some Back & Chest & Arms. I'm talking to you Head & Shoulders scientists.
You'd appreciate this tweet way more if you could see how handsome I am.
Looking for a nice girl who wears funky clothes and can kickflip.
What is it with people in authority that they're the only ones who ever have a problem with when and where I set up a pancake station?
When someone tells me I can't have my cake and eat it too, I laugh and laugh and eat my cake as I caress the other cake hidden in my pocket.
We need to PROCEED CAUTIOUSLY with this gay marriage thing. Don't forget that's how the centaurs and unicorns died off.
*doesn't know what people in buildings do*
Our greatest missed opportunity is that the WWF creatures and WWF wrestlers didn't decide who gets to keep the name by having a cage match.
Increased my followers by 64.397% today. Thanks you two! #selfeffacingmathjokesusingthenumbertwo
Is a fox a dog or a cat?
Donkeys are the same thing as horses. It's just that they're Mexican.
Had a bacon cheeseburger, apple pie, and 3 Budweisers for lunch today. Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to a NASCAR race and give birth to bald eagle.
When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Sade (pronounced Ralph Fiennes ((Ralf Fee-enez))).
My tartar sauce is in a storage locker in Daly City. What do I do?
When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Rambo II, after my old dog, Rambo II.
Likes turtles and meatballs. Dislikes Canadians and genocide.