I judge you by how you judge other people.

It's ok if I don't have thousands of followers. I have you.

I missed Michelle Obama's speech bc I was too busy being a single mom and don't have time to watch a woman talk about her awesome husband.

"My baby's father got himself deported." - A sentence I never thought I would hear from a coworker or ever.

It's like my boss doesn't even care that I'm having a bad hair life.

Time travel is real because I just started reading my timeline 5 minutes ago and somehow it's been two hours.

the little account that could

Craisins. Because I like eating foods that have an identity crisis.

In line at the pharmacy. Suspicious of everyone.

Can someone please come brush my hair? I have beer.

It's never too early for a muscle relaxer.

Whoa whoa whoa! Settle down there, sexy meteorologist! I want the forecast, not the porncast!

I'm doing twitter the way I want to, which by some people's standards means I'm doing it wrong. Those people can suck it.

I checked myself but still wrecked myself. :(

There are white people working in this Mexican restaurant. This does not compute.

I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now I'm busy hating things.

That awkward moment when I realize my awkward moments are really just my life.

I really wanna follow you but...I just don't want to.

7 asked me if Michael Jackson was dead. I told her yes and she mumbled, "I knew it. I knew he wasn't making anymore bad music for a reason".

I'm sorry, ugly kitty, but I just can't take you seriously without a Sarah McLachlan track playing in the background.